So much pain

Mom, Dad, hey it’s your eldest and I know it’s been a long time since we talked and have never seen eye to eye for as long as I can remember. but I’m not ok. You see y’all being evangelical baptist whatever the fucks has my head going all over the god damn place. You taught me nothing but lies growing up and you don’t deserve to know me anymore. I’m not ok because I know who you are gonna vote for and you vote for him I’m dead. End of story. Bye. Fucking gone because his politics hate the lbgtqia community yet claim they are pro life. Y’all told me you are pro life but you aren’t, you are pro fetus. Your political view is going to force me out of this country and cause me to move away from my kids… that’s real fucking pro life… You don’t have any idea what it means to be pro life. Fine ok I’ll never understand but you are showing the world that you just don’t give a shit about your kids. Unless one is a drunk and a sexual predator, then you treat them like they are your best friend. You forget about your daughters and outcast us while you allow the sexual predator to just live every day life because the mother fucker is “forgiven.” What does that mean your daughters are, worthless? unable? too sensitive? What the fuck does it mean?

I am a woman I have been my entire life and you are missing all the growth that I am having. Not only in my self but with my close friends. I’m not gonna say anymore than that because you just simply do not get to know. This isn’t a lifestyle this is who I am and you clearly can’t see that because your blindsided by the Christian one way faith. How can you be sure the Bible is true? I know what your thinking, “oh no no you have gone way far from the faith and are going to burn in hell forever.” Guess what… HELL ISNT FUCKING REAL! Neither is heaven. We die and get eatin up by worms.

I’m mad at both of you because you are so narrow minded (always have been) and you don’t see the bigger picture. You don’t even want to look for it. You sit on your chairs behind your iPad and MacBook and stew about some fucking person who did you wrong along the way. You are probably stewin about me right now aren’t you? That or you just don’t give a fuck and I’m gonna go with the latter. That’s fine because I don’t need either of you I never have I’ve always been on my own because you two haven’t cared. The moment you said ywam I jumped for joy because I thought this whole trans thing was going to be healed. I was so wrong and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life inside of those 6 years… Can you guess what it was? Because I’m not going to tell you you don’t deserve to know anything else about my life.

So, enjoy your booze and stew on your little crock pot chairs about how awful I have become. I don’t care I’m done caring.

P.S.A

Cisgender heterosexual white folks, this one is for you. I wake up like so many others knowing I’ll be misgendered and I can’t even wear what I want because our culture bitches about clothes like they are the one with this fake thing called gender. You make me sick not all of you but most and when it comes down to it you sit on piles of privilege miles high and you don’t even realize it. So many of you have the privilege to help but you don’t because you don’t agree with this “life style” and can’t stand change. I can’t stand you.

If you are so blind to seeing your privilege then you have way to much privilege because that is a privilege in and of itself. It’s a privilege to live in a house, it’s a privilege to own a car, it’s a privilege to stay off the street every night, it’s a privilege to have parents that actually fucking try and some what care, and it’s a privilege to have a job. So many people are blind to these facts. We see it all the time, missionaries going and taking selfies with the brown baby in the village that is infested by raw sewage and bed bugs then coming home to a nice warm bed and a comfortable house like nothing happened. Or the missionaries going to the projects in New Orleans to play with the black kids in a orderly fashion only spending maybe 3 hours with them. Causing them trauma and neglect that they didn’t need.

What I am trying to get at is this, today millions of queers woke up more afraid than normal knowing that the Supreme Court is having hearings deciding weather or not you can get fired for being lgbtqia+. It is just like last October all over again and I just want it to end. I don’t want a conservative in office anymore, I don’t want to hear you are pro-life, i don’t want to hear about guns, I don’t want to have to exhaust myself advocating for BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS, and I sure as fuck don’t want to hear you disagree with my “life style.” You are just too petty to embrace the change and you are scared to let loose because of massive constructs YOU have made. The narrative is changing weather you like it or not, so saddle up because I am not done using my voice yet.

Oct-1-19

If you think Christianity is the way, good for you. I don’t. I see Christians as they believe things are just black and white and they don’t allow any gray which is why so many people get hurt. You see if you want Christianity back in schools you need to let the Quran in there Hindu writings and allow folks to be free. Putting the stamp on it to say that “we are becoming a Christian nation again” is an interesting way to look because we where never a Christian nation, we found this country with a genocide. We raped and killed native Americans for land then we took black people and forced them to become slaves. With them Never knowing where HOME really was.

I don’t care if you wanna be a Christian but don’t shove it in my face let me do me and you do you. Let me live my best life without feeling judgement from two states over, up north, over to the west and down south I can feel the judgement and I question it with this… Being a Christian isn’t god the only judge? Didn’t god say to take care of the orphan and the widow? Didn’t god say to love all humans regardless of skin color, sexual orientation, and if they are disabled or not? You judging me isn’t helping your cause and you got a place in hell right next door to Adolf Hitler because I think this god you worship hates the way you treat minorities. Unless it’s all about the picking and choosing what you want to believe and don’t want to believe, I see that all the time.

I go so hard on Christianity because Christianity was hard on me. From a very young age Christianity has been painful, stressful, dangerous, and all I got was false hope. False hope that I would make it to India and love on the minorities. False hope that we would be able to build an orphanage. False hope that I was ever gonna get out of grounds and learn other things. I’ve been treading water for too long and especially ywam where you tread waters for years before you see the jumbled mess behind this stage they have created to look so perfect but the cables are starting a fire and about to expose all the shit Christianity puts people through.

P.s.
Thank you to the Christians that get this and are affirming. You are the real mvps.

Truths and it is fucking scary

Being a group that talks highly about the unconditional love of this god that doesn’t exsist they are extremely conditional and I know I have gone down this road but I feel like that road has a little bit left before I get off. You see at YWAM you are taught god is a father and loves you unconditionally but there is so many conditions in the ministry that god sure as fuck seems like a dad instead of a father. A dad meaning abusive and drunk. A father loves a dad is who I grew up around.

My entire life was all about conditions and I was getting dragged in the mud by folks saying that their love is unconditional love; I fucking believed them and I genuinely respected them. That is who I am. They pulled me along and lied, caused ptsd and extended nothing but spiritual abuse. I don’t even think anyone there is genuine. I saw contridictions every god Damn day. The longer I am gone and not apart of the organization I find it interesting no one has tried to reach out but at the same time it makes sense. Non of them care about anyone even wives get treated like shit. Well, they are Christians and we all know women are treated as the lower in the household. I still can’t believe someone told me him and his wife have never had a fight, that is so toxic. I am not justifing fights but fights can help you grow and learn new things about the person you love. No fight means that person is not given any autonomy.

Out of anything in my life joining ywam was the biggest mistake of my life. My box was forced into tiny spots and I couldn’t grow. I couldn’t progress past the spiritual abuse because it was always my fault. It was my fault we didn’t make it to India. It is my fault we got a divorce. It’s my fault I stayed in ywam for so long. Now that I am out I am seeing that this life is so much bigger than the box I was forced into. Having tunnel vision for so long and not experiencing anything other than religion hurt. It hurt me it is causing daily ptsd. Religion is gross and this relationship they all talked about is a fucking pipe dream.

Never tell me it is a relationship ever again because I experienced religion and it is awful. So many people have died because of religion. A relationship is letting a person grow and live their best lives. A relationship should allow room to talk and process with out being gas lit. A relationship model is my partner and I letting each other just simply live. What ever that looks like for us.