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I never would of thought I would see the day where Satanist’s are more “Christian” than the self proclaiming Christians. As a mijiority (not all) but most Christians act like the Satan they talked about being evil while I was growing up. They freak out about immigrants and they say I’m going to hell because I am different. All without acknowledging that this God they love so much is supposedly huge and loves all people. ALL PEOPLE! WHOAH what? Say it ain’t so.

Bitch, it is so and either way if there is a God or not loving other humans is the decent and right thing to do. Wanting to see people suffer is cruel and not what this life is about. Evangelicals talk about community like it is some upper level accomplishment but at the end of the day have no fucking idea what community even is.

My definition of community is the thing I get to do every day. Having 5 meetings about the same thing while being spiritually abused is NOT community. Allowing husbands to talk down to their wives and get away with it is not community. Also, being told that you and your wife have never had a fight is a bull faced lie you just talked her way down so she would “submit.”

Back to my first thought about Satanist’s being more “Christian” than the self proclaiming Christians, Satanist’s understand that no person is under equality and no person is less than. Unless they are nazis, nazis don’t deserve the time of day. You don’t get to watch minorities suffer and laugh at their distress that is not “Christian” at all. The “Christian” I was taught anyway. Satanism is a religion and still set up like a religion I’ll never join it I’ll never dig deep into it because I’m done being a part of a cult.

The value for people’s lives is way more important to me than any religion or God I could follow. People living their best lives is important and you can’t do that inside a religion. Being a nazi means you fucked up and don’t deserve the time of day I would give a minority. Your president is the biggest racist and bigot on the planet and supporting him means you are hurting me. The way I see it it’s either trump or truth and folks living truth is so much more powerful than an evil man. Open those little eyes and start to pay attention. If God is real they are just as practical as they are spiritual. Thoughts and prayers are NOT enough and you fucking know it.

I know I probably ruffled some feathers which was the plan. Im not sorry about my presentation or even what I said because its what I believe it’s how I live and after watching the last few years in America I’m tired and angry and still don’t understand why evangelicals still follow this vile diabolical human who isn’t even human in my opinion.

Art after starting transition

My art after coming out has been raw, hard, life giving, exciting, new, freeing and eye opening. I have always loved the arts but never tapped into it becuse I was following a crowd of people that are walking the wrong way, in my opinion. I was going further and further until I snapped out of it and got out of ywam. In ywam it was more about getting the lawn mowed than my family’s mental health therefore destroying what mental health we had. Working non stop and paying to work is so ass backwards it honestly hurts that I did that for 7 years… I feel like I wasted so much time being a part of ywam.

Back to art, when I started my transition I painted something that is dear to me and I can’t get over it. It open my eyes to my potential and gave me wings to fly in this art cloud. That’s really cool you know? Art is a really good way for me personally to channel my traumas into beautiful pieces of work that express what I’m feeling in the time. Art after transition started to become a method of healthy coping and being able to do it freely is a privilege. I am privileged that I get to do art when ever I’m having a really shitty memory/day.

Being a queer artist is hard and being a Trans woman in this society feels damn near impossible. Art helps me forget the pain and the shit even if it is only for a moment. Art is important and it is all around us. Freedom there is sweet freedom in the art sphere.

I have an etsy that I am selling my art on so if you are curious or interested please take a look. I only have three of the piece I have up right now but each are signed and numbered.

Thank you to everyone who reads this blog. Feel free to share it when ever because I know I’m not the only one with this kind of story. Here is the link for etsy: https://etsy.me/2XE0f5M

I just gotta write

There has not been any words or actions from folks at YWAM for these people in cages at the boarder. Why? I thought yall where pro life? Any time I went on an outreach it was always a mess because that’s just not how things are supposed to work. Out reaches are the most rasist shit show on the planet because going over to share about your white man is all you know what to do. First of all if Jesus is real then I bet he wasn’t white and most yall have the idea he was… Racist.

Out of anything I have ever done in my life going on out reaches is one of my biggest regrets because I used to be racist and fell under the spell of white savior complex. You can disagree with me I don’t mind I’m just writing out what has happened in my life and what ywam looked like for me personally.

The sexual abuse on out reaches also was very hard to deal with because I knew what those people where doing I just didn’t know how to stop it. I was brain washed into believing that that is OK and to just brush it off because God will forgive… How sick. I know of at lease five CiS males who abused students while I was on outreach with them. That is so scary but proves that Christians are sexualy repressed into one position missionary… Hmmm imagine that.

Remember I write my story I dont name names even though I should but I keep you all low key because I’m decent. Ywam is not decent and evangelicals are not decent. If I could go back to that campus I’d call so many of you out for what I know you do. Telling me you and your wife have never had a fight is a bull faced fucking lie and you know it. Don’t hide behind that.

I’m tired of all this trauma that was produced in the 7 years I was apart of ywam. It’s exhausting and I know I’m not the only one dealing with trauma from that place. People are so mean because we are in this consistent cycle of just being mean to one another and in all my life evangelicals have been the meanest. That’s is so ass backwards.

Full disclosure: Read this please

Look, If you can’t handle hard topics stop reading right now. I am not about to have cops show up again for a mental health check that was the worst idea anyone could of had.

If you truly care, talk to me before you call people who have no fucking idea what mental health illness is. Seriously ill have a fucking conversation with you if you just ask.

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Isn’t it funny how we find ourselves in situations in which we could of easily avoided had we just known what living out truth Is? I’m all fucked up inside because the first 27 years of my life was a lie, it was everything and more I’m against and have been. Hiding out and lying to all those people really has me fucked up inside. I hear, “I miss you when you aren’t around” and it has me all fucked up because my dad would just ask about sports and beer… “Where is the beer?” Also,”No more cartoons football is on and I worked all day… Oh and I would love a beer.”

I’m not sorry for what I write on this blog and I am not going to hold back what I feel. If you can’t deal with this please remove your eyes from reading any more past this point. If I come off as harsh it’s because you have never seen or helped me form my own fucking ideas or opinions. It has all ways been your idea being implanted into my head by manipulation and spiritual mind games, so I’m giving you my true real opinion. I won’t hold back.

If I wanna fucking talk about suicide let me fucking express that. “Suicide” is made up any way the person who is dead got killed by lies and pain of socicity. If I want to talk about pain at YWAM I’m gonna fucking talk about it. If I want to stay silent because I’m pissed the fuck off I’m gonna stay silent.

HARD 👏TOPICS 👏HELP 👏US 👏GROW 👏IF 👏WE 👏TALK 👏ABOUT 👏THEM 👏THE NARRATIVE 👏MIGHT 👏CHANGE…

Isn’t that worth the difference maybe that change is what will keep us alive. I don’t know but what I do know is don’t fucking close my mouth off from speaking.