School

… lately I have been having really good ideas and learned a bunch of new things. This is really exciting but the best part is I am out completely, out and I don’t have to hide my talent anymore. Oh my god I’m crying… So much growing up and ywam I was stunted and not allowed too grow. Told to keep my mouth shut because what I was about to say was going to be too “intense.” My stuff isn’t intense it is meaty and there is a lot on those bones.

While I was growing up my learning was slow I couldn’t understand so many things and I got looked at like an idiot who wasn’t trying hard enough. I fucking tried as hard as I could and still got in trouble. I got in trouble because I would lash out in frustration because I didn’t understand, I just didn’t know how to do the work. People would show me over and over but I never got it because I would get frustrated and more confused. Being home schooled I was sheltered and I was babied that’s what homeschool does it locks you from knowing what society is and you don’t grow. You don’t have the will to go into society because the person who is homeschooling you is trapping you in. It’s their way or the highway and if you get off it gets ugly.

When the dad gets involved it’s a whole other story.. There where several times I just didn’t want to do the work because it made no sense. My mom would have me take what I was working on to my dad who nagged. Oh my fucking god he nagged and yelled and huffed and puffed until I would get so mad I would have to hold the anger in until he was gone. When he was gone I could breath and things where a bit easier. He broke a few cd’s over his knee and I couldn’t do shit about it. In some of those times he would “help” me with my homework and that’s what set me off. That’s a reason why I started to couch surf I couldn’t stand that house.

Life was so weird during my school years and I am still fucking confused? I’m confused as to why my parents thought it was a good idea to seclude me and keep me hidden? I’m confused as to what their motive was? I’m confused as to why my brother got the golden treatment and my sister and I got treated like shit? The answer to that question is because I was the first born, I was the fucking project, I was the trial and error, and I was the black sheep of the family. My sister didn’t do what my parents wanted quick enough and her development was slow so they hated that. They blamed her for not being smart enough and they just gave up on her. What shitty people. Christians too, as you all know.

At ywam I would go too meetings and present an idea since I was a “leader” and the people involved would like it. So, we would start it and the next thing I knew someone higher up than me would always change it. The phone calls of don’t do that do this got really fucking old. I wasn’t allowed to be who I am and I wasn’t allowed to express myself, just like my school years. This is why 15-20 years old is so important and key to my life. Had I stuck around who the fuck knows where I would be? Definitely not where I am today and I am thankful for all the times I could stay on a damn couch, those days are burned into my memory. I definitely would be in a ditch somewhere high off my ass and struggling to make it. Do you know how fucking scary that is? I remember I was about to turn 20 and at this time I definitely wasn’t living at home I was smoking three packs of Marlboro reds a day and a bunch of weed. My dad told me he would pay for me to go to ywam so I got excited because new stuff is amazing a lot of fun to experience.

During my marriage I would get called and ridiculed for waking up with the kids telling me it’s moms job. Then we never got to go on a vacation because we where lied too about money and we had to stay long term. Two freshly married kids (we where kids) living with 4 supporters checks and hoping money would come from the sky. Not knowing what the actual fuck we where doing but just flowing with the wave. I would be told about things that should of been talked about with her and I was told to be quiet on several things. Was I quiet? Fuck no I shared the bare minimum because I had to let something out someway. The people inside of ywam (not all of them) are to blame for the hurt and the regret I feel every god damn day. I’m the one who hurt my ex, her and the kids did nothing wrong or anything to deserve this and I go through my days full of pain because no human deserves to be treated this way no human deserves to be lied to the entire time you know that person. Evangelical Christianity is evil, it’s a cult, it’s full of contradictions, and it is fanning out because people are starting to realize that that shit is awful and they should choose a different direction.

I write and I write because I have to let this stuff out, I have to get it away from my body. This ptsd and abuse and neglect hurt I have to write my hurt down so I hurt a little less. I am still alive because those kids are worth it. The next ten years for them is going to be huge and I don’t want to fuck up like my parents did. I love these two SO much and am really glad they still get to spend time with me.

Just think about it

I find it ironic that the people going over seas for “missions” related ventures are the very ones praising trump and have decided that the immigrants coming don’t belong… Yet on those ventures they bring illegal items in and act like they are doing nothing wrong.

Ummmmmmmm…

If the Bible is so important why do these people have such a hard time loving the orphan and the widow? If it means you get a picture with that black baby in Africa, it’s worth it right?

It’s like an entire group of people just decided one day to pick and choose the scripture they want while praising god on Sunday just to come home and be abusive…

So much pain

Mom, Dad, hey it’s your eldest and I know it’s been a long time since we talked and have never seen eye to eye for as long as I can remember. but I’m not ok. You see y’all being evangelical baptist whatever the fucks has my head going all over the god damn place. You taught me nothing but lies growing up and you don’t deserve to know me anymore. I’m not ok because I know who you are gonna vote for and you vote for him I’m dead. End of story. Bye. Fucking gone because his politics hate the lbgtqia community yet claim they are pro life. Y’all told me you are pro life but you aren’t, you are pro fetus. Your political view is going to force me out of this country and cause me to move away from my kids… that’s real fucking pro life… You don’t have any idea what it means to be pro life. Fine ok I’ll never understand but you are showing the world that you just don’t give a shit about your kids. Unless one is a drunk and a sexual predator, then you treat them like they are your best friend. You forget about your daughters and outcast us while you allow the sexual predator to just live every day life because the mother fucker is “forgiven.” What does that mean your daughters are, worthless? unable? too sensitive? What the fuck does it mean?

I am a woman I have been my entire life and you are missing all the growth that I am having. Not only in my self but with my close friends. I’m not gonna say anymore than that because you just simply do not get to know. This isn’t a lifestyle this is who I am and you clearly can’t see that because your blindsided by the Christian one way faith. How can you be sure the Bible is true? I know what your thinking, “oh no no you have gone way far from the faith and are going to burn in hell forever.” Guess what… HELL ISNT FUCKING REAL! Neither is heaven. We die and get eatin up by worms.

I’m mad at both of you because you are so narrow minded (always have been) and you don’t see the bigger picture. You don’t even want to look for it. You sit on your chairs behind your iPad and MacBook and stew about some fucking person who did you wrong along the way. You are probably stewin about me right now aren’t you? That or you just don’t give a fuck and I’m gonna go with the latter. That’s fine because I don’t need either of you I never have I’ve always been on my own because you two haven’t cared. The moment you said ywam I jumped for joy because I thought this whole trans thing was going to be healed. I was so wrong and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life inside of those 6 years… Can you guess what it was? Because I’m not going to tell you you don’t deserve to know anything else about my life.

So, enjoy your booze and stew on your little crock pot chairs about how awful I have become. I don’t care I’m done caring.

P.S.A

Cisgender heterosexual white folks, this one is for you. I wake up like so many others knowing I’ll be misgendered and I can’t even wear what I want because our culture bitches about clothes like they are the one with this fake thing called gender. You make me sick not all of you but most and when it comes down to it you sit on piles of privilege miles high and you don’t even realize it. So many of you have the privilege to help but you don’t because you don’t agree with this “life style” and can’t stand change. I can’t stand you.

If you are so blind to seeing your privilege then you have way to much privilege because that is a privilege in and of itself. It’s a privilege to live in a house, it’s a privilege to own a car, it’s a privilege to stay off the street every night, it’s a privilege to have parents that actually fucking try and some what care, and it’s a privilege to have a job. So many people are blind to these facts. We see it all the time, missionaries going and taking selfies with the brown baby in the village that is infested by raw sewage and bed bugs then coming home to a nice warm bed and a comfortable house like nothing happened. Or the missionaries going to the projects in New Orleans to play with the black kids in a orderly fashion only spending maybe 3 hours with them. Causing them trauma and neglect that they didn’t need.

What I am trying to get at is this, today millions of queers woke up more afraid than normal knowing that the Supreme Court is having hearings deciding weather or not you can get fired for being lgbtqia+. It is just like last October all over again and I just want it to end. I don’t want a conservative in office anymore, I don’t want to hear you are pro-life, i don’t want to hear about guns, I don’t want to have to exhaust myself advocating for BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS, and I sure as fuck don’t want to hear you disagree with my “life style.” You are just too petty to embrace the change and you are scared to let loose because of massive constructs YOU have made. The narrative is changing weather you like it or not, so saddle up because I am not done using my voice yet.