So much pain

Mom, Dad, hey it’s your eldest and I know it’s been a long time since we talked and have never seen eye to eye for as long as I can remember. but I’m not ok. You see y’all being evangelical baptist whatever the fucks has my head going all over the god damn place. You taught me nothing but lies growing up and you don’t deserve to know me anymore. I’m not ok because I know who you are gonna vote for and you vote for him I’m dead. End of story. Bye. Fucking gone because his politics hate the lbgtqia community yet claim they are pro life. Y’all told me you are pro life but you aren’t, you are pro fetus. Your political view is going to force me out of this country and cause me to move away from my kids… that’s real fucking pro life… You don’t have any idea what it means to be pro life. Fine ok I’ll never understand but you are showing the world that you just don’t give a shit about your kids. Unless one is a drunk and a sexual predator, then you treat them like they are your best friend. You forget about your daughters and outcast us while you allow the sexual predator to just live every day life because the mother fucker is “forgiven.” What does that mean your daughters are, worthless? unable? too sensitive? What the fuck does it mean?

I am a woman I have been my entire life and you are missing all the growth that I am having. Not only in my self but with my close friends. I’m not gonna say anymore than that because you just simply do not get to know. This isn’t a lifestyle this is who I am and you clearly can’t see that because your blindsided by the Christian one way faith. How can you be sure the Bible is true? I know what your thinking, “oh no no you have gone way far from the faith and are going to burn in hell forever.” Guess what… HELL ISNT FUCKING REAL! Neither is heaven. We die and get eatin up by worms.

I’m mad at both of you because you are so narrow minded (always have been) and you don’t see the bigger picture. You don’t even want to look for it. You sit on your chairs behind your iPad and MacBook and stew about some fucking person who did you wrong along the way. You are probably stewin about me right now aren’t you? That or you just don’t give a fuck and I’m gonna go with the latter. That’s fine because I don’t need either of you I never have I’ve always been on my own because you two haven’t cared. The moment you said ywam I jumped for joy because I thought this whole trans thing was going to be healed. I was so wrong and I made one of the biggest mistakes of my life inside of those 6 years… Can you guess what it was? Because I’m not going to tell you you don’t deserve to know anything else about my life.

So, enjoy your booze and stew on your little crock pot chairs about how awful I have become. I don’t care I’m done caring.

P.S.A

Cisgender heterosexual white folks, this one is for you. I wake up like so many others knowing I’ll be misgendered and I can’t even wear what I want because our culture bitches about clothes like they are the one with this fake thing called gender. You make me sick not all of you but most and when it comes down to it you sit on piles of privilege miles high and you don’t even realize it. So many of you have the privilege to help but you don’t because you don’t agree with this “life style” and can’t stand change. I can’t stand you.

If you are so blind to seeing your privilege then you have way to much privilege because that is a privilege in and of itself. It’s a privilege to live in a house, it’s a privilege to own a car, it’s a privilege to stay off the street every night, it’s a privilege to have parents that actually fucking try and some what care, and it’s a privilege to have a job. So many people are blind to these facts. We see it all the time, missionaries going and taking selfies with the brown baby in the village that is infested by raw sewage and bed bugs then coming home to a nice warm bed and a comfortable house like nothing happened. Or the missionaries going to the projects in New Orleans to play with the black kids in a orderly fashion only spending maybe 3 hours with them. Causing them trauma and neglect that they didn’t need.

What I am trying to get at is this, today millions of queers woke up more afraid than normal knowing that the Supreme Court is having hearings deciding weather or not you can get fired for being lgbtqia+. It is just like last October all over again and I just want it to end. I don’t want a conservative in office anymore, I don’t want to hear you are pro-life, i don’t want to hear about guns, I don’t want to have to exhaust myself advocating for BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS, and I sure as fuck don’t want to hear you disagree with my “life style.” You are just too petty to embrace the change and you are scared to let loose because of massive constructs YOU have made. The narrative is changing weather you like it or not, so saddle up because I am not done using my voice yet.

Oct-1-19

If you think Christianity is the way, good for you. I don’t. I see Christians as they believe things are just black and white and they don’t allow any gray which is why so many people get hurt. You see if you want Christianity back in schools you need to let the Quran in there Hindu writings and allow folks to be free. Putting the stamp on it to say that “we are becoming a Christian nation again” is an interesting way to look because we where never a Christian nation, we found this country with a genocide. We raped and killed native Americans for land then we took black people and forced them to become slaves. With them Never knowing where HOME really was.

I don’t care if you wanna be a Christian but don’t shove it in my face let me do me and you do you. Let me live my best life without feeling judgement from two states over, up north, over to the west and down south I can feel the judgement and I question it with this… Being a Christian isn’t god the only judge? Didn’t god say to take care of the orphan and the widow? Didn’t god say to love all humans regardless of skin color, sexual orientation, and if they are disabled or not? You judging me isn’t helping your cause and you got a place in hell right next door to Adolf Hitler because I think this god you worship hates the way you treat minorities. Unless it’s all about the picking and choosing what you want to believe and don’t want to believe, I see that all the time.

I go so hard on Christianity because Christianity was hard on me. From a very young age Christianity has been painful, stressful, dangerous, and all I got was false hope. False hope that I would make it to India and love on the minorities. False hope that we would be able to build an orphanage. False hope that I was ever gonna get out of grounds and learn other things. I’ve been treading water for too long and especially ywam where you tread waters for years before you see the jumbled mess behind this stage they have created to look so perfect but the cables are starting a fire and about to expose all the shit Christianity puts people through.

P.s.
Thank you to the Christians that get this and are affirming. You are the real mvps.

Do all you can to live that best/true life cuz life is weird and confusing, might as well do what you enjoy

Living your best life and living your truth are two completely different parts of life. Living your best life means you cut out all the toxic shit that people drop on you and even the toxic people that don’t deserve to be apart of your life. You live each day for you and no one else because you are the most important person to you. You go through trauma together you experience joy you get sad but you have been with yourself your entire life and know you more than anyone else ever will. You know what you can and can’t do you know who is good for you and who isn’t. You fight with yourself when you are being gas lit because other people enjoy hurting you and that gives you ammunition to gas light yourself. I’ve sure as shit done that. Also, living your best life means you treat your self from time to time and I say it all the time but not one of us consented to being born we where all forced out into a world that is dying. We are trying to live but can’t because groups of people are too afraid of change. Too afraid to acknowledge they fucked up and so they hide in their laws and anything we do is wrong. Living your best life with people like that is hard as fuck.

Living your truth is different, you see living your truth is going everyday living how you feel. If you are non binary you might feel a bit more fem and that is ok or you might be a trans girl who has a really hard time going out because society is scary as fuck but you know your truth and you fight for it. Living out truth always threw me off growing up because we are taught in church the only truth is god and that’s it. Well what about the starving kids down the road who can’t live their true truth because circumstances of life put them is shitty situations? They are living a way that wasn’t intended and if you say being homeless is intended you are shit. They are homeless because people are greedy and don’t care about the poor people. But, didn’t Jesus say to take care of the orphan (the black kid in the projects being secluded from the white kids because they are different) and the widow (the Hispanic who has lost everything because their country is at war with itself and they get to a place that is said to be safe just to get their child taken away.)

What about them church? Why do you say one thing and act a completely different way? Especially evangelicals y’all make no sense, you are the ones who say the orphan and the widow need to be taken care of yet you stand up for trump because he was “sent by god.” Trump and the conservatives have ruined more lives the last 3 years than my entire life time and it is fucking gross. Rich people will just treat poor people like we are less because they become numb to being able to get what ever the fuck they need when they need it. Must be nice. Being and evangelical or a rich person one would think that they would enjoy helping others live their best lives and if they did I bet they would feel like they are living their best lives too because helping people is important and if you just decide to sit on stacks of cash or a bunch of different translations of the Bible you miss what it’s all about.

Sometimes living your best life means helping others and that is rad. So, all that to say I’m not done calling white rich males out I’m not done calling evangelicals out and I sure as shit am not done telling it like I see it. Living my best life means letting all this shit out because I have had to hide and hold it in my entire life. Life isn’t just black and white but there are many grays and just focusing on black and white is over, change is coming weather you like it or not.