Oct-1-19

If you think Christianity is the way, good for you. I don’t. I see Christians as they believe things are just black and white and they don’t allow any gray which is why so many people get hurt. You see if you want Christianity back in schools you need to let the Quran in there Hindu writings and allow folks to be free. Putting the stamp on it to say that “we are becoming a Christian nation again” is an interesting way to look because we where never a Christian nation, we found this country with a genocide. We raped and killed native Americans for land then we took black people and forced them to become slaves. With them Never knowing where HOME really was.

I don’t care if you wanna be a Christian but don’t shove it in my face let me do me and you do you. Let me live my best life without feeling judgement from two states over, up north, over to the west and down south I can feel the judgement and I question it with this… Being a Christian isn’t god the only judge? Didn’t god say to take care of the orphan and the widow? Didn’t god say to love all humans regardless of skin color, sexual orientation, and if they are disabled or not? You judging me isn’t helping your cause and you got a place in hell right next door to Adolf Hitler because I think this god you worship hates the way you treat minorities. Unless it’s all about the picking and choosing what you want to believe and don’t want to believe, I see that all the time.

I go so hard on Christianity because Christianity was hard on me. From a very young age Christianity has been painful, stressful, dangerous, and all I got was false hope. False hope that I would make it to India and love on the minorities. False hope that we would be able to build an orphanage. False hope that I was ever gonna get out of grounds and learn other things. I’ve been treading water for too long and especially ywam where you tread waters for years before you see the jumbled mess behind this stage they have created to look so perfect but the cables are starting a fire and about to expose all the shit Christianity puts people through.

P.s.
Thank you to the Christians that get this and are affirming. You are the real mvps.

Do all you can to live that best/true life cuz life is weird and confusing, might as well do what you enjoy

Living your best life and living your truth are two completely different parts of life. Living your best life means you cut out all the toxic shit that people drop on you and even the toxic people that don’t deserve to be apart of your life. You live each day for you and no one else because you are the most important person to you. You go through trauma together you experience joy you get sad but you have been with yourself your entire life and know you more than anyone else ever will. You know what you can and can’t do you know who is good for you and who isn’t. You fight with yourself when you are being gas lit because other people enjoy hurting you and that gives you ammunition to gas light yourself. I’ve sure as shit done that. Also, living your best life means you treat your self from time to time and I say it all the time but not one of us consented to being born we where all forced out into a world that is dying. We are trying to live but can’t because groups of people are too afraid of change. Too afraid to acknowledge they fucked up and so they hide in their laws and anything we do is wrong. Living your best life with people like that is hard as fuck.

Living your truth is different, you see living your truth is going everyday living how you feel. If you are non binary you might feel a bit more fem and that is ok or you might be a trans girl who has a really hard time going out because society is scary as fuck but you know your truth and you fight for it. Living out truth always threw me off growing up because we are taught in church the only truth is god and that’s it. Well what about the starving kids down the road who can’t live their true truth because circumstances of life put them is shitty situations? They are living a way that wasn’t intended and if you say being homeless is intended you are shit. They are homeless because people are greedy and don’t care about the poor people. But, didn’t Jesus say to take care of the orphan (the black kid in the projects being secluded from the white kids because they are different) and the widow (the Hispanic who has lost everything because their country is at war with itself and they get to a place that is said to be safe just to get their child taken away.)

What about them church? Why do you say one thing and act a completely different way? Especially evangelicals y’all make no sense, you are the ones who say the orphan and the widow need to be taken care of yet you stand up for trump because he was “sent by god.” Trump and the conservatives have ruined more lives the last 3 years than my entire life time and it is fucking gross. Rich people will just treat poor people like we are less because they become numb to being able to get what ever the fuck they need when they need it. Must be nice. Being and evangelical or a rich person one would think that they would enjoy helping others live their best lives and if they did I bet they would feel like they are living their best lives too because helping people is important and if you just decide to sit on stacks of cash or a bunch of different translations of the Bible you miss what it’s all about.

Sometimes living your best life means helping others and that is rad. So, all that to say I’m not done calling white rich males out I’m not done calling evangelicals out and I sure as shit am not done telling it like I see it. Living my best life means letting all this shit out because I have had to hide and hold it in my entire life. Life isn’t just black and white but there are many grays and just focusing on black and white is over, change is coming weather you like it or not.

Tired, angry, sad, want to be done

It’s right there under your nose but you are deciding to leave this with a big glob of mess still all over your face. You see it but you ignore it because your religion tells you this life is black and white. This religion tells you that some magical thing is going to happen at the end of the world. You strive for the end without looking at the past or present. You are not present you are allowing your tunnel vision to cloud reality, meaning you are missing what is happening right in front of you. Waiting on the edge of your seat for this world to blow up instead of loving your Trans kids. Loving your disabled kids. Loving kids. Gross.

What happened in the past? Well, let’s see here, there has been nuclear bombs, several wars fighting against slavery, a Holocaust, immegrents being forced into cages, and a whole lot of bigotry against my community the lgbtqia community. Looking at the past and looking at the present is fucking scary. So many things are lining up and we are allowing history to repeat. Wherent we supposed to change history since it does like to repeat itself? Isn’t that what you told me growing up? You are liers and thieves of joy you are not actually pro life you are pro fetus. What happens if that fetus is Trans what the fuck you gonna do?

Looking at the future more than the present is dangerous and so many boomers are keeping the mess on their faces and ignoring change. You wanted things to change but you had conditions on what we could change. Listening to Franklin Gram is like listening to nails on a chalk board Holy shit your evangelicalism is not working step down, shut up, and learn how to love change because bitch change is happening.

You know, I know I rant a bit but God Damn it where else and what else am I gonna do other than write right now? I have an entire life time of trauma starting at the age of 2. I could make a power point that’s how much I remember…

I’m gonna leave you with this, one time I was dragged across the carpet from my room up a two stair case through a tiled kitchen and forced into the bathroom where I was to get spanked by the paddle 3 times if I don’t fight 4 if I did.. I was 11 then 12 and at 13 the abuse of getting hit because i made a mistake for trying to fucking learn… stopped.

My life seemed like a fucking joke because I was getting hit, sure he gave reason but the reason was for something he could of just talked me down on…

Truths and it is fucking scary

Being a group that talks highly about the unconditional love of this god that doesn’t exsist they are extremely conditional and I know I have gone down this road but I feel like that road has a little bit left before I get off. You see at YWAM you are taught god is a father and loves you unconditionally but there is so many conditions in the ministry that god sure as fuck seems like a dad instead of a father. A dad meaning abusive and drunk. A father loves a dad is who I grew up around.

My entire life was all about conditions and I was getting dragged in the mud by folks saying that their love is unconditional love; I fucking believed them and I genuinely respected them. That is who I am. They pulled me along and lied, caused ptsd and extended nothing but spiritual abuse. I don’t even think anyone there is genuine. I saw contridictions every god Damn day. The longer I am gone and not apart of the organization I find it interesting no one has tried to reach out but at the same time it makes sense. Non of them care about anyone even wives get treated like shit. Well, they are Christians and we all know women are treated as the lower in the household. I still can’t believe someone told me him and his wife have never had a fight, that is so toxic. I am not justifing fights but fights can help you grow and learn new things about the person you love. No fight means that person is not given any autonomy.

Out of anything in my life joining ywam was the biggest mistake of my life. My box was forced into tiny spots and I couldn’t grow. I couldn’t progress past the spiritual abuse because it was always my fault. It was my fault we didn’t make it to India. It is my fault we got a divorce. It’s my fault I stayed in ywam for so long. Now that I am out I am seeing that this life is so much bigger than the box I was forced into. Having tunnel vision for so long and not experiencing anything other than religion hurt. It hurt me it is causing daily ptsd. Religion is gross and this relationship they all talked about is a fucking pipe dream.

Never tell me it is a relationship ever again because I experienced religion and it is awful. So many people have died because of religion. A relationship is letting a person grow and live their best lives. A relationship should allow room to talk and process with out being gas lit. A relationship model is my partner and I letting each other just simply live. What ever that looks like for us.