I really wish I didn’t remember this

This one time while I was growing up we had some pretty interesting neighbors who had a trampoline and a small inflatable pool. This was in colorado way back in 97/98 and i remember sitting by the fence of this strange neighbor and they came out to see who i was. I sat there they came and said hello. We started talking and found a cigarette that we started smoking so i guess the first cigarette i smoked was when I was seven.

That same house I remember having my younger brother all over the place and my mom homeschooling me. You see they got bitter with Ywam too. They moved from new orleans to colorado completely passing ywam tyler because they are f8ucking bitter too! Anyway on saturday and sunday my fucking dad wanted me to wake up early. Who the fuck wants their almost teenager to wake up earlier that nine? Then I would get in trouble when ever I would watch ducktails, or pokemon because Archie was the same time and my dad wanted me up early then wouldn’t give me any autonomy. We had to watch the damn archie stuff. All because HE thought pokemon ws demonic. Who the fuck cares, demonic sounds a shit ton nicer than angelic What the fuck who call something an angle?

After I would get in trouble for my tv choices I would get in trouble for bringing my favorite sleeping bag and pillow out to the living room. “what if we have company?” Literally what he would say anytime i was trying to get cozy. While my brother was getting the treatment of a life time. Fuck.

I don’t know what to title this

I find it interesting that I am living my life closer to the life Jesus supposedly had than my Christian parents. I’m living an authentic life where as they are so wrapped up in bitterness they probably only read proverbs. They pick and choose what they want to believe, I stick with the tender love.

One might say that being hard on my parents is a sin and I’m gonna go to hell for not honoring them but that person is wrong. If you read scripture the love and adoration Jesus had for people was pure. Jesus got angry and turned tables for fucks sake. Jesus was betrayed and treated like less then a rat. You’re probably saying “she is just an awful person and she talks awful about people from the church and her parents.” You’re god damn right I do, you wanna know why? Because the thing they preach they can’t grasp. They can’t be genuine because they are so clouded by bitterness and rules and regulations that they forget about what matters.

The things that should matter don’t and the things that shouldn’t matter do. It’s backwards and if you want to be a Christian go for it but the moment you start using that book to induce fear is going to be the moment I start calling you out. That’s all I’m doing really, calling people out because of how much lying happened growing up.

I would read the Bible and genuinely believe it because I was told too. In order to go to heaven I had to believe so I did because I’m genuine. I did what I had to do to stay alive and it’s going to be interesting to me till I die just how much my parents lied. Victim blaming and shaming are not Christ like…

I would go to youth group or some Sunday school class and be taught all these great things about Jesus and that we are supposed to live like him, would try my hardest to live like him just to be shot down. Every fucking time I fucked up it was a giant fuck up. I had to swallow the abuse and neglect and bitterness because, “we where a Christian family so non of that happens..” Except it did and it fucking happened all the time.

I was a prisoner not only because I’m transgender and gay as fuck but because I was forced into believing something that makes no fucking sense. Every night we would sit around the living room and would be forced to pray if we didn’t the look of shame would cover my dad and he would act like we were shaming him. There was never any respect because he was zapping it with his bitterness and there was no way in hell I was going to respect him. Not the way he acted.


If I seem to be repeating myself it is because I am, all of this needs to be shared no matter if it’s one time or a thousand, this shit has to be shared. I repeat because repetition keeps your brain thinking about this stuff.

This is my story. If you don’t like it, tough you haven’t had to live it. But I got to share it to get it the fuck out of my body.






I’m getting really fucking tired of all these “love the orphan and the widow” hypocrites who white wash their Christianity with hate, greed, selfishness, bigotry, and racism. I am pretty sure your god damn bible tells you to love the orphan and the widow I know for a fact it does. Did you read that part or did you skim over it like you do most of the other scripture? I am tired of raising my voice and having different opinions is fine but when millions of people’s lives are in jeopardy, y’all’s opinion becomes invalidated. Those are lives, humans, people, kids, you know, pro-life?

You are really showing the world how much of a god damn hoax all of this is and I am SO glad I’m out of it. I’m curious as to why no one has said anything? Am I just dropping too many truth bombs you don’t want to come out? Or maybe you think I’m a dumb fuck who is overly emotional and seem unstable? I am emotional but I am stable if you aren’t expressing emotions though this you are a robot. This is intense stuff and no one seems to fucking get it…

I go through my days still hearing voices and I can’t get them to go away because some of you at ywam degraded me down to a robot where I wasn’t able to feel anymore. I wasnt even trying to survive I was just there. Exploited and brain washed then told to go talk to random people on the side of the road was happening all the time… I got shut down because I wanted to take a team to Dallas and see if folks needed yard work done. I was told it was an awful idea because I just wasn’t ready by their standards. This made no sense and I was pretty pissed off after that.

My old leaders would use spiritual manipulation to get me to go the way they wanted me to go. It was all about them and what was most beneficial for them in that time. No autonomy meant that when I had me time I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how the fuck to live. I put all my trust in the people and not in that person floating around in the sky because the people where there. They where actually things and not made up. Trusting and getting walked on where the two biggest things in ywam. I don’t know where my old leaders are right now but if I ever see them again I’m gonna tell them they fucked my life up.


… lately I have been having really good ideas and learned a bunch of new things. This is really exciting but the best part is I am out completely, out and I don’t have to hide my talent anymore. Oh my god I’m crying… So much growing up and ywam I was stunted and not allowed too grow. Told to keep my mouth shut because what I was about to say was going to be too “intense.” My stuff isn’t intense it is meaty and there is a lot on those bones.

While I was growing up my learning was slow I couldn’t understand so many things and I got looked at like an idiot who wasn’t trying hard enough. I fucking tried as hard as I could and still got in trouble. I got in trouble because I would lash out in frustration because I didn’t understand, I just didn’t know how to do the work. People would show me over and over but I never got it because I would get frustrated and more confused. Being home schooled I was sheltered and I was babied that’s what homeschool does it locks you from knowing what society is and you don’t grow. You don’t have the will to go into society because the person who is homeschooling you is trapping you in. It’s their way or the highway and if you get off it gets ugly.

When the dad gets involved it’s a whole other story.. There where several times I just didn’t want to do the work because it made no sense. My mom would have me take what I was working on to my dad who nagged. Oh my fucking god he nagged and yelled and huffed and puffed until I would get so mad I would have to hold the anger in until he was gone. When he was gone I could breath and things where a bit easier. He broke a few cd’s over his knee and I couldn’t do shit about it. In some of those times he would “help” me with my homework and that’s what set me off. That’s a reason why I started to couch surf I couldn’t stand that house.

Life was so weird during my school years and I am still fucking confused? I’m confused as to why my parents thought it was a good idea to seclude me and keep me hidden? I’m confused as to what their motive was? I’m confused as to why my brother got the golden treatment and my sister and I got treated like shit? The answer to that question is because I was the first born, I was the fucking project, I was the trial and error, and I was the black sheep of the family. My sister didn’t do what my parents wanted quick enough and her development was slow so they hated that. They blamed her for not being smart enough and they just gave up on her. What shitty people. Christians too, as you all know.

At ywam I would go too meetings and present an idea since I was a “leader” and the people involved would like it. So, we would start it and the next thing I knew someone higher up than me would always change it. The phone calls of don’t do that do this got really fucking old. I wasn’t allowed to be who I am and I wasn’t allowed to express myself, just like my school years. This is why 15-20 years old is so important and key to my life. Had I stuck around who the fuck knows where I would be? Definitely not where I am today and I am thankful for all the times I could stay on a damn couch, those days are burned into my memory. I definitely would be in a ditch somewhere high off my ass and struggling to make it. Do you know how fucking scary that is? I remember I was about to turn 20 and at this time I definitely wasn’t living at home I was smoking three packs of Marlboro reds a day and a bunch of weed. My dad told me he would pay for me to go to ywam so I got excited because new stuff is amazing a lot of fun to experience.

During my marriage I would get called and ridiculed for waking up with the kids telling me it’s moms job. Then we never got to go on a vacation because we where lied too about money and we had to stay long term. Two freshly married kids (we where kids) living with 4 supporters checks and hoping money would come from the sky. Not knowing what the actual fuck we where doing but just flowing with the wave. I would be told about things that should of been talked about with her and I was told to be quiet on several things. Was I quiet? Fuck no I shared the bare minimum because I had to let something out someway. The people inside of ywam (not all of them) are to blame for the hurt and the regret I feel every god damn day. I’m the one who hurt my ex, her and the kids did nothing wrong or anything to deserve this and I go through my days full of pain because no human deserves to be treated this way no human deserves to be lied to the entire time you know that person. Evangelical Christianity is evil, it’s a cult, it’s full of contradictions, and it is fanning out because people are starting to realize that that shit is awful and they should choose a different direction.

I write and I write because I have to let this stuff out, I have to get it away from my body. This ptsd and abuse and neglect hurt I have to write my hurt down so I hurt a little less. I am still alive because those kids are worth it. The next ten years for them is going to be huge and I don’t want to fuck up like my parents did. I love these two SO much and am really glad they still get to spend time with me.