Needles in the Hay

I don’t really know how to start this post other then saying “WOW!” It’s been an uphill battle for so long and I somewhat feel like I’m allowed to descend one step at a time and experience freedom that I thought I’d never experience in my life. The climbing was exhausting, it never seemed like it was going to end and I thought I was just stuck going up hill the rest of my life.

The hill flipped and started going down here recently like the last week I’ve felt a huge wave of relief and being able to make the descent one step at a time has given me breaths of fresh air and real hope for the future. Every step down has been a hard one to take but once I take it the air becomes so clear and I get waves of  authentic happiness that I have never been allowed to experience before in my life. The first step is always the hardest, for me that was “coming out” to my wife, my best friend. Once that happened I was allowed to feel the freedom of descending for the first time ever.

The next step was “coming out” to close friends and getting set up with an LGBTQA community which where extremely hard steps to take because I had been hidden on the internet. Being allowed too meet up with other like-minded people just seemed weird like I was being put into a trap, it honestly freaked me out. But, I took that step and the freedom of seeing other people like me not just over the internet but in person was so liberating. Seeing another transgender woman in person is like seeing god, at first you are stunned because you only see them on the internet and then the moment she is standing there in front of you it becomes authentic. I was timid the first time I went out and met a transgender woman in person but it’s going to get better the more times going and being apart of that community.

I have made it to starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and have been on estrogen for almost two weeks! The changes on the outside have been slow but the changes on the inside have been intense and really exciting! Right now as I type the colors are popping out clearer then they ever have, I have way more energy, my chest is tingly all the time, and I get mood swings. It is amazing being allowed to live out truth instead of hiding away and caging true identity! HRT has been my favorite step thus far because it is changing my insides and is allowing me to feel emotion for the first time and opening the door even wider for my true identity to actually come through.

Needles in a haystack are not easy to find and I have been so fortunate to have found the ones I have so far. Being transgender is hard in this society and the amount of people that disagree is disgusting and so ass backwards. If you are in a conservative evangelical context and not out yet because you are scared of what might happen THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Sometimes in those contexts it is safer to stay in the closet for a little while longer. It took me till I was 26 to get out of those environments and the only reason I made it out is because we left as soon as Donald Trump took office over a year ago.

Don’t rush! Take your time!

Just a few thoughts

A month ago there was a pain that just wouldn’t leave my side, it was right there consistently stabbing me producing the most intense pain. It caused me anger that I never thought was going to leave, it caused me to loose sleep, it almost made me kill myself several times, and it was leading me to the end of being apart of my family. Just the constant stabbing and voices in my head telling my I wasn’t fucking worth it along with I wasn’t worth it. That pain hurt daily and like I said it was going to kill me had not the circumstances that came up the pain would of stayed in the creepy shadows of my mind.

My mind has always been loud but my voice has always been quiet unless I’m spoken too and have something meaningful to say. I have always just let my identity run wild in my head and my fake self run the outside because the truth inside is looked at as wrong and weird to the eyes of society. Those eyes that produce hate along with judgement and pain, being transgender I kept those thoughts behind my eyes and never allowed them to permeate the world around me. Keeping the voices inside caged up and out of reach is dangerous because eventually its all going to come out and under curtain circumstances it can be very beneficial but there is also the side where you could end up fucked over and told to just get out. Im thankful when my voices came out it was under a safe roof where the person just loved me for me.

February, the month of “love” and “romance” became the most freeing month for me in my life. Believe it or not February 14th 2018 is when I came out to my wife. MY WIFE! The person I should of taken out for a special night and romance. Instead I “came out” and it was one of the hardest most freeing nights of my entire life. The voices in my head that where screaming so loud where released, Sasha was released. When the words “Im a transgender woman” came out for the first time in front of anyone my mood changed instantly. Instead of anger and depression this massive wave of happiness and hope overcame my and I was able to experience freedom for the first time! It was such a liberating moment that became the anchor in my life.

After “coming out” if you haven’t already you will need to hold onto the anchor of being out and the feeling you will be allowed to feel because it is fucking hard being out even to just a few people. For two weeks after I came out the house was a living hell, I was out but there was this wet blanket covering the entire house a nasty soggy blanket.  So, my wife had her therapy session and she expressed anger she had no idea she had in the context of this situation and after that session she opened up. It became very clear that we are going to be getting a divorced down the road and as soon as that came out another wave of relief and freedom popped over both of us not just me this time, her too.

This life is about taking it one step at a time and allowing emotion to happen, don’t let the emotion stay stuck behind your eyes open up and express them. Allow others around you the room to express as well because you never know who is hurting like you and trying to cope with themselves. If we as a society allowed humans to be human we would be much better off as people and the amount of pain caused daily would be cut in half. I strongly believe that.

My Coming Out

I came out as a transgender woman a few weeks ago and my life began to change in every way imaginable, the excitement, the fear, the beginning of a slow death, and joy that i have never been allowed to experience in my life. I had been living as Sasha in the shadows since I was eight and the pain almost became too much almost ended it a few times. I would map out the times i could express Sasha to the point of making sure every article of clothing i put on was either dirty or put away back exactly how it was. It was painful because i just wanted to be Sasha full-time without any back lash or being yelled at.

When i was 8 i started dressing up in my moms clothes as often as i could, it became the thing to do when no one was around instead of playing with cars or video games or any other so-called boy toy. I did it till my mom found my hidden stash and she yelled at me. She told me, “Christian boys don’t do that and you do it ever again im going to tell dad.” That scared the shit out of me to the point i became very hidden and no one knew or even had an idea what i was doing. When ever id dress up i felt 100% better i felt like MYSELF I felt like i could conquer the world because i felt full… Until i had to take the dress and lipstick off and go back into my other clothes. It was hard I know im not the only one who has experienced this kind of pain. Gender dysphoria is real its painful and it sucks.

After a few years of being so hidden i figured i might as well just stay hidden because i grew up in evangelical communities and they are very far from lgbtq affirming as you know. So, i stayed in the closet id dress up any chance i got and by age 15 i was moved out of my parents house. My dad is still a heavy drinker and was rude to my mom, brother, and sister i couldn’t take it i couldn’t live there anymore so i moved in with y girl friend at her parents house. The dressing up slowed down but i had many chances that i took and just kept telling myself this is going to your grave with you no one needs to know it would just be too painful. After i graduated my girlfriend and i broke up which meant i moved into an apartment for a little bit with a room-mate. Any time the room mate was gone i dressed up i had a hidden wardrobe id wear just for myself lock my door and just be ME for a few hours every night after work. It got so intense i almost moved to Colorado to start a full transition but instead i ended up at ywam in Tyler texas.

I started ywam very screwed up from drugs, sleeping around, and knowing I was transgender but wanted to get “healed” from it. So i went through my time in ywam for the first 5 months working through stuff except for being trans, i didn’t want to share that with anyone. I didn’t want people to know. So, I kept it quiet till i met a girl. Once we started talking and showing interest in each other i opened up and told her in very vague details i was a crossdresser and thought about going and doing the full transition. After telling her that i felt like i needed to tell someone so i went to one of the leaders and expressed what i expressed to my wife but he belittled me and shamed me played his hands on me prayed for me and told me just to get over it. I was confused i was angry and i was hurt even more.

I didn’t dress for about 2 years from the start of ywam but after a while I couldn’t take it anymore i started dressing in my wife clothes (which by the way are comfy and adorable always have been) and anytime she would leave id map out what i could do and how long i had. I did it several times all the way up to the point of when i came out. Now that im out im able to be free to express, im expressing one new thing a day im able to wear what i want underneath and my toes are so cute. My legs are soft. My beard is gone. I feel alive for the first time ever in my entire life.

Those of you still in the closet and those of you that are out and living life:

You are beautiful humans. You are worth it. You matter.

I want to give you a voice i want to help on your journey i want to be someone safe for you and i want you to feel freedom that you have never been allowed to experience in your life. My friends, my sisters, my brothers, my theys, my thems, my its, you are beautiful souls and are worth the love you have never received before in your life.

Love, Sasha Adele Braden