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Strengths

It is vital to value yourself, your strengths and weaknesses no matter how big or small they may seem they make you who YOU are, no one else. Being able to see who you are as a person is one of the most loving things you could ever do for yourself. I am slowly starting to get to a point of bing able to love myself because honestly my whole life I hated who I was and loathed the the idea of possibly never being able to fully express who I really am.

I’am strong

I’am able

I’am fun to be around

I’am diligent

I’am a good parent

I’am a faithful friend

I’am hard working

I’am soft spoken

I’am open-minded

I’am quick to learn

I’am easy to be around

I’am caring of others

I’am quick to listen and slow to speak

I’am me

I’am a woman

Being able to write those strengths down and say them all out loud has given me a confidence I never had and opened my world up to endless possibilities, it has changed my life. Being “out” has brought me to a sureness that I have never had and so why would anyone want to try and take that away? Why would someone try and condemn me for pointing out my strengths and my true identity? My whole life I was told I could do better, I should die to myself, and Jesus would turn me into something beautiful. Except the thing is, being a human is beautiful. I look at my strengths and become emotional because those are pretty awesome, those make me who I am, a human being. So, be a human, be gay, be a lesbian, be transgender, be bi, be straight, be asexual, be queer, just be yourself because if we all could tap into our true identity can you imagine how much more beautiful this world would be? 

Sasha Adele

Sasha: Defender or helper of human kind.

Where did that name come from?

How did I come up with it?

Why Sasha?

These are three questions I get from people when I either come out to a friend or random people that ask on social media. I try my hardest to articulate the short version but there is so much more to the name and why I picked it. Being a transgender women I have held onto this name for dear life promising to never let it go! Being stuck in the closet you only have a few things that can give you comfort and Sasha gave me hope that someday I would be called by such a beautiful name.

Sasha, the name comes from Russia and was used as a gender neutral name that later turned into Alexandra and now days Alexandra is used more-so then Sasha. It gives such a pretty flowery warmness inside of me that I’m awestruck I get to use it out in the open now and people are calling me by Sasha. It brings tears to my eyes because a name is what you are given at birth weather you like it of not and is a powerful form of identity, my birth name has always bothered me. Looking at its meaning and looking at who I am it fits way too well because I’m a social justice warrior who wants human kind to succeed abundantly.

I picked it up randomly one of the days I was home “sick” from school and wearing my moms clothes along with the most elegant pair of red heels. I still remember the dress I wore when I picked Sasha, it was a white maxi dress with an absolutely stunning floral pattern with pinks, reds, oranges, and purples. I would always wear that dress because my mom never wore it and it was stored away which made it easier to put on and put away. Along with the floral maxi and red heels I’d wear the most lush lipstick my mom had, it became one of my main activities while alone to get my lipstick just perfect because I would fantasize about kissing boys as a girl and feel so warm and cozy inside. The day Sasha came out was a truly magical day, wearing the dress, the heels, my lips where perfect and as I walked over to the mirror Sasha came spilling out of my mouth like a calm soothing waterfall. I looked in the mirror with a sureness I had never seen in myself before and continued saying Sasha over and over again till I wept. I wept most of that day because I was so confused and so happy at the same time. I didn’t know how to express because every time my dad would see me tear up he would say, “boys don’t cry, now man up boy no tears.” So, I kept Sasha and that day inside hoping one day I would be able to release her fully.

Sasha would scream so loud inside of me that it would hurt and caused the most intense depression. She needed to be set free, she needed validation, and she escaped in probably the most beautiful way possible. My dead name, the name I really started to loathe last year (2017) is going to be nothing but a memory some day and I could not be happier about that!

Dreams, we all got them

Growing up in the Evangelical Christen contexts (ECC) my entire life was straining, painful, and honestly bull shit. Several times during high school I thought I heard god tell me something and so I would start dreaming to see if it would happen. It wouldn’t it was just bull shit. One dream I remember having was to be alive for a revival and then I saw a revival starting in Portland, Or and engulfing the entire nation which never happened it just ended in more confusion. Dreams come in all sorts of shapes and sizes but the dreaming with the (EC) god causes more pain then good, in my personal experience.

My time at Ywam was a big pile of stinky horse shit with a few flowers around it that made it bearable.  I had a dream to go to India and start an orphanage to give every part of the family dynamic in India hope to survive and get on their feet. I was told daily, “Make sure the barn is clean,’ or “you aren’t going to make it to India with the barn looking like that,” and just more bull shit excuses as to why they wanted me to work in the most intense department and under the most abusive leader on the campus. The grounds department, where we had 560 acres to take care of along with all the emergencies that would arise daily. I did that shit for six years hoping maybe the next week, month, or year my family and I would make it to India and start blessing those people over there, but that never happened. We where stuck because I was good at what I did and the leaders didn’t want to lose me.  So, as I got older and time in Ywam carried on, my dream to be a woman became stronger but I decided just to say, ”Fuck it that is never going to happen.” It just seemed like a waste of time so what if I was angry all the time, so what if I was on the verge of suicide almost every day, so what if my life was just one giant disaster. No one in (ECC) was there to help because their god tells them as an LGBTQ individual I’am condemned to hell and then will work on me till I “change” or just leave because they are can’t “fix me.” So, since I was 8 that dream of being the woman I have always seen myself as was greatly damaged and I was holding on by a tiny sliver.

A few years ago I went down to where I worked and I dressed up completely and hung out in my office, it was dirty, it was covered in oil, and the clothes I had where some of my wife old clothes she had just thrown out. While I was down there I was freaked out because my identity was screaming to be set free, Sasha needed to be let out as soon as possible! That was exciting realizing that but also very stressful because I have a family, who I love dearly. I didn’t want to screw them over so I told myself, “Just stick to the plan, take Sasha to your grave no one has to know just you.” Just that alone caused livid anger because I just wanted people to be for me and people to be supportive of me. Having a wife I wondered if I ever had the guts too tell her what she would say? How would she react? After that night for the next two years there where so many times where I tried to speak up about it in front of her but I couldn’t, I was crushed.

The dream took its first official step on February 14th 2018, when I came out to my wife and that was the first time in my entire life I saw a dream actually coming true. The dream I have held onto since I was eight and didn’t know if it was going to happen was actually taking an authentic first step and that felt amazing! The main push I had that gave me the guts to come out was an Exvangelical community whose main goal is to love humans for who they are and to help those who where in evangelical contexts work through the issues and hopefully come out the other side able to breath. Im grateful for that group of people because without them I would still be stuck dreaming my dream behind closed doors and angry.

“The moment you stop dreaming is the same moment you start to die. Dream even if the dream seems small it will give you hope for a new day.”

Happy

I’am happy I’m out of the closet

I’am happy I can start being a woman

I’am happy I’am allowed to wear what I want

I’am happy I met really cool people in Tyler Texas

I’am happy Erricka is my friend

I’am happy I started HRT

I’am happy I feel slight changes already

I’am happy It looks like a job is going to happen

I’am happy I didn’t have to see my so called friends

I’am happy I have a Pinterest

I’am happy I have good music

I’am happy I am free to write

I’am happy someday I won’t have to look at the tumor between my legs anymore

I’am happy soon I’ll have boobs

I’am happy Im moving out

I’am happy I am able to go after my true identity

I’am happy I get to dream again

I’am happy I have a family  here in east texas

I’am happy im going to quit smoking

I’am happy my friend keeps sending me clothes

I’am happy I’m about to get red heels

I’am happy I can boost my estrogen levels even more on youtube

I’am happy transgender rights are being fought for

I’am happy the people in my life I have told are affirming

I’am happy I found out truth about some people

I’am happy I have makeup for days

I’am happy for the sun

I’am happy for warm weather

I’am happy to start planing out the rest of my life

I’am happy I won’t have to deal with my parents anymore

I’am happy the sex change is going to happen

I’am happy my boobs are coming in

I’am happy I get to experience a life change for the very best

I’am happy that I get to experience true happiness with out feeling guilt

I’am happy I get to paint my nails

Happiness is the strongest emotion it gives the most life and I have never experienced happiness in my life. The only emotion I ever felt was anger and that portrays the strongest emotion but in all honesty it is the weakest. I hope I make someones day with this post! Love you all from a transgender woman who is finally able to be HAPPY!