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… lately I have been having really good ideas and learned a bunch of new things. This is really exciting but the best part is I am out completely, out and I don’t have to hide my talent anymore. Oh my god I’m crying… So much growing up and ywam I was stunted and not allowed too grow. Told to keep my mouth shut because what I was about to say was going to be too “intense.” My stuff isn’t intense it is meaty and there is a lot on those bones.

While I was growing up my learning was slow I couldn’t understand so many things and I got looked at like an idiot who wasn’t trying hard enough. I fucking tried as hard as I could and still got in trouble. I got in trouble because I would lash out in frustration because I didn’t understand, I just didn’t know how to do the work. People would show me over and over but I never got it because I would get frustrated and more confused. Being home schooled I was sheltered and I was babied that’s what homeschool does it locks you from knowing what society is and you don’t grow. You don’t have the will to go into society because the person who is homeschooling you is trapping you in. It’s their way or the highway and if you get off it gets ugly.

When the dad gets involved it’s a whole other story.. There where several times I just didn’t want to do the work because it made no sense. My mom would have me take what I was working on to my dad who nagged. Oh my fucking god he nagged and yelled and huffed and puffed until I would get so mad I would have to hold the anger in until he was gone. When he was gone I could breath and things where a bit easier. He broke a few cd’s over his knee and I couldn’t do shit about it. In some of those times he would “help” me with my homework and that’s what set me off. That’s a reason why I started to couch surf I couldn’t stand that house.

Life was so weird during my school years and I am still fucking confused? I’m confused as to why my parents thought it was a good idea to seclude me and keep me hidden? I’m confused as to what their motive was? I’m confused as to why my brother got the golden treatment and my sister and I got treated like shit? The answer to that question is because I was the first born, I was the fucking project, I was the trial and error, and I was the black sheep of the family. My sister didn’t do what my parents wanted quick enough and her development was slow so they hated that. They blamed her for not being smart enough and they just gave up on her. What shitty people. Christians too, as you all know.

At ywam I would go too meetings and present an idea since I was a “leader” and the people involved would like it. So, we would start it and the next thing I knew someone higher up than me would always change it. The phone calls of don’t do that do this got really fucking old. I wasn’t allowed to be who I am and I wasn’t allowed to express myself, just like my school years. This is why 15-20 years old is so important and key to my life. Had I stuck around who the fuck knows where I would be? Definitely not where I am today and I am thankful for all the times I could stay on a damn couch, those days are burned into my memory. I definitely would be in a ditch somewhere high off my ass and struggling to make it. Do you know how fucking scary that is? I remember I was about to turn 20 and at this time I definitely wasn’t living at home I was smoking three packs of Marlboro reds a day and a bunch of weed. My dad told me he would pay for me to go to ywam so I got excited because new stuff is amazing a lot of fun to experience.

During my marriage I would get called and ridiculed for waking up with the kids telling me it’s moms job. Then we never got to go on a vacation because we where lied too about money and we had to stay long term. Two freshly married kids (we where kids) living with 4 supporters checks and hoping money would come from the sky. Not knowing what the actual fuck we where doing but just flowing with the wave. I would be told about things that should of been talked about with her and I was told to be quiet on several things. Was I quiet? Fuck no I shared the bare minimum because I had to let something out someway. The people inside of ywam (not all of them) are to blame for the hurt and the regret I feel every god damn day. I’m the one who hurt my ex, her and the kids did nothing wrong or anything to deserve this and I go through my days full of pain because no human deserves to be treated this way no human deserves to be lied to the entire time you know that person. Evangelical Christianity is evil, it’s a cult, it’s full of contradictions, and it is fanning out because people are starting to realize that that shit is awful and they should choose a different direction.

I write and I write because I have to let this stuff out, I have to get it away from my body. This ptsd and abuse and neglect hurt I have to write my hurt down so I hurt a little less. I am still alive because those kids are worth it. The next ten years for them is going to be huge and I don’t want to fuck up like my parents did. I love these two SO much and am really glad they still get to spend time with me.

What the actual fuck

Tw: suicide mention, pain , and being scared.

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Full disclosure, I write about heavy stuff and if you can’t handle it or feel the need to call the cops on me for a mental health check just don’t. Just read it or don’t read it. Calling the cops on me is a very bad idea. Makes my anxiety worse.

Anyway here’s where I’m at.

I’m gonna come right out and say it, I’m scared. I’m scared out of my mind because the state I live in is turning into a hot zone to get trans people screwed up more than we already are. The government is meddling in families business like it always does but this time it seems scarier. I cried myself to sleep last night because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I have to keep fucking hiding for safety. You would think that the embrace of change would be a top priority trying to get younger generations set up for when the older generations die. The younger generations are fucked. Plain and simple we are fucked because the boomers mainly, have turned away from change or even considered change to be an option. Instead they have created rules and regulations that are getting people killed.

I’m not going to hide the fact that I have been thinking about suicide for a very long time. How I’m gonna do it. When I’m gonna do it. Why I’m gonna do it. I think about this stuff because culture has created a road block for growth and change. Who the fuck wants to continue going in this shit? I find myself not wanting to keep going all the time. I daydream about how it’s gonna happen and I keep thinking that it’s inevitable and only a matter of time. This is scary as fuck because I know people care about me but I didn’t care for myself for so long that trying to learn how to love my self in this society seems like it’s damn near impossible.

I have these thoughts and I don’t act on them because my will to survive surpasses my will to kill myself. I have too much anxiety to kill my self I’d never be able to do it. I work it out with close friends and they help talk me down but the longer this goes on the harder it gets to hold onto that will to live. I’m not doing ok, I haven’t been doing ok mentally for a long time but luckily I have a good support system.

Non of us chose to be born. We were all forced out and had to learn how to live. That’s fucking exhausting and hard because there is no black or white way to live you just kinda gotta go with the punches. Everyone has had to do this except some are more humble than others. The humble ones are the ones that feel it the most because we try to see the good in all things. We try and make it work but the harder we try the more condemnation and ridicule we receive.

All the evangelical Christians claiming this is a Christian nation clearly didn’t listen to their bible. This isn’t pro life this isn’t loving the orphan and the widow this isn’t giving men room to express emotions. This is genocide and the evangelicals have turned into the nazis I read about in history class. Trump is the hitler I read about about in history class. We are going to have a full on genocide because those people only look at life as it is black and white. How does that make you feel if you are a Christian? How do you sleep at night? Do you even realize how fucking fucked you have made us? I don’t think you do or you’re just not smart enough to care.

Bravo good job showing the love of Jesus to the world. Who the fuck would want to join you after these last few years?

Some memories

Yesterday I was sitting in my car depressed in a Lowe’s parking lot

A week ago I was in my room lonely

Growing up in that room was very painful

Today got hit in the face by a log

Because I was young and dumb

I remember so much stuff and I really wish I could just forget

I wish I could just turn of the first 27 years and be who I really am

I lied to so many people

Because it was a safety mechanism

I was good at 2 facing

A month ago I was eating in chucky cheese pizza watching other kids get pretty much a whole package deal

I fought for simple things

I got in trouble

I sat at the table every night just to be reprimanded for some weird thing I did

Every night we sat as a family

Sure as fuck didn’t act like a family though

Being the oldest I was the problem and the test

That is pretty damn clear

Being the test hurt more than getting hit by a freight train

Not fucking kidding

If you gonna decide to have kids fucking let them live how they want

I was pressured I still remember every time my dad would pressure me

I remember all the times my mom was quiet

I was a test and it fucking hurt

The sexual predator of the family is the angle

He’s been forgivin and shit

I write this out because my memory needs to come out some how

I need to share

I haven’t been able to genuinely share

Fuck

This life is so hard

Non of us decided to be born

Instead we where forced out and

Told to live a certain way

Well maybe that god damn way is just a choice

Don’t we get choices

It’s not just black and white

It’s grey

Closing a person in on one thing

And telling them it’s the way

Without giving them autonomy

Giving No space to question

Just making them your slave

They are slowly dying

They feel like there is no hope anymore

Just think about it

I find it ironic that the people going over seas for “missions” related ventures are the very ones praising trump and have decided that the immigrants coming don’t belong… Yet on those ventures they bring illegal items in and act like they are doing nothing wrong.

Ummmmmmmm…

If the Bible is so important why do these people have such a hard time loving the orphan and the widow? If it means you get a picture with that black baby in Africa, it’s worth it right?

It’s like an entire group of people just decided one day to pick and choose the scripture they want while praising god on Sunday just to come home and be abusive…