This one time while I was growing up we had some pretty interesting neighbors who had a trampoline and a small inflatable pool. This was in colorado way back in 97/98 and i remember sitting by the fence of this strange neighbor and they came out to see who i was. I sat there they came and said hello. We started talking and found a cigarette that we started smoking so i guess the first cigarette i smoked was when I was seven.
That same house I remember having my younger brother all over the place and my mom homeschooling me. You see they got bitter with Ywam too. They moved from new orleans to colorado completely passing ywam tyler because they are f8ucking bitter too! Anyway on saturday and sunday my fucking dad wanted me to wake up early. Who the fuck wants their almost teenager to wake up earlier that nine? Then I would get in trouble when ever I would watch ducktails, or pokemon because Archie was the same time and my dad wanted me up early then wouldn’t give me any autonomy. We had to watch the damn archie stuff. All because HE thought pokemon ws demonic. Who the fuck cares, demonic sounds a shit ton nicer than angelic What the fuck who call something an angle?
After I would get in trouble for my tv choices I would get in trouble for bringing my favorite sleeping bag and pillow out to the living room. “what if we have company?” Literally what he would say anytime i was trying to get cozy. While my brother was getting the treatment of a life time. Fuck.
I find it interesting that I am living my life closer to the life Jesus supposedly had than my Christian parents. I’m living an authentic life where as they are so wrapped up in bitterness they probably only read proverbs. They pick and choose what they want to believe, I stick with the tender love.
One might say that being hard on my parents is a sin and I’m gonna go to hell for not honoring them but that person is wrong. If you read scripture the love and adoration Jesus had for people was pure. Jesus got angry and turned tables for fucks sake. Jesus was betrayed and treated like less then a rat. You’re probably saying “she is just an awful person and she talks awful about people from the church and her parents.” You’re god damn right I do, you wanna know why? Because the thing they preach they can’t grasp. They can’t be genuine because they are so clouded by bitterness and rules and regulations that they forget about what matters.
The things that should matter don’t and the things that shouldn’t matter do. It’s backwards and if you want to be a Christian go for it but the moment you start using that book to induce fear is going to be the moment I start calling you out. That’s all I’m doing really, calling people out because of how much lying happened growing up.
I would read the Bible and genuinely believe it because I was told too. In order to go to heaven I had to believe so I did because I’m genuine. I did what I had to do to stay alive and it’s going to be interesting to me till I die just how much my parents lied. Victim blaming and shaming are not Christ like…
I would go to youth group or some Sunday school class and be taught all these great things about Jesus and that we are supposed to live like him, would try my hardest to live like him just to be shot down. Every fucking time I fucked up it was a giant fuck up. I had to swallow the abuse and neglect and bitterness because, “we where a Christian family so non of that happens..” Except it did and it fucking happened all the time.
I was a prisoner not only because I’m transgender and gay as fuck but because I was forced into believing something that makes no fucking sense. Every night we would sit around the living room and would be forced to pray if we didn’t the look of shame would cover my dad and he would act like we were shaming him. There was never any respect because he was zapping it with his bitterness and there was no way in hell I was going to respect him. Not the way he acted.
I go through the day and I remember things that happened years ago, could be 2 years could be ten years or even fifteen. I remember things like they just happened and most of this stuff is painful. Most of this stuff stabs my gut and I feel what I probably felt in the moment it happened. One of these things is while we where living in Colorado and the neighbor kid handed me a cigarette through the fence and I proceeded to smoke it, I was 7. I remember going inside so fast to take a shower because I was worried. I was worried that my mom would smell it and yell. This was a year before she scoulded me which caused the brunt of my trauma.
I say all of this because I have decided to quit smoking. I’ve been using tobacco products most of my life to cope. Most of my life has been wrapped up in that comfort of knowing 5 minutes of releif is going to keep me going. Going outside and breathing in the smoke calmed me down at first then it turned into my main coping mechanism. I don’t blame that neighbor for handing me the cigarette I don’t even blame myself, I blame the gateway drug of trauma from my parents. I blame that pastor who hit my mom down to the floor saying she got slain in the spirit and my dad not doing a damn thing.
This onion has a lot of layers, peeling them back and pulling them apart fucking hurts. The amount of growth this year has been astounding though. I didn’t think I’d be here still I didn’t think I would have any friends. My life made no sense for the first 27 years. Those 27 years have a lot of memories and I can’t seem to get them out of my head. Yes there where good memories but the painful ones stick a bit more then they start to sting. Vivid, it’s all fucking vivid and it makes me mad honestly. I hate that I remember so many things and can see them as they just happened. It’s a gift and a curse.
If I seem to be repeating myself it is because I am, all of this needs to be shared no matter if it’s one time or a thousand, this shit has to be shared. I repeat because repetition keeps your brain thinking about this stuff.
This is my story. If you don’t like it, tough you haven’t had to live it. But I got to share it to get it the fuck out of my body.
I’m getting really fucking tired of all these “love the orphan and the widow” hypocrites who white wash their Christianity with hate, greed, selfishness, bigotry, and racism. I am pretty sure your god damn bible tells you to love the orphan and the widow I know for a fact it does. Did you read that part or did you skim over it like you do most of the other scripture? I am tired of raising my voice and having different opinions is fine but when millions of people’s lives are in jeopardy, y’all’s opinion becomes invalidated. Those are lives, humans, people, kids, you know, pro-life?
You are really showing the world how much of a god damn hoax all of this is and I am SO glad I’m out of it. I’m curious as to why no one has said anything? Am I just dropping too many truth bombs you don’t want to come out? Or maybe you think I’m a dumb fuck who is overly emotional and seem unstable? I am emotional but I am stable if you aren’t expressing emotions though this you are a robot. This is intense stuff and no one seems to fucking get it…
I go through my days still hearing voices and I can’t get them to go away because some of you at ywam degraded me down to a robot where I wasn’t able to feel anymore. I wasnt even trying to survive I was just there. Exploited and brain washed then told to go talk to random people on the side of the road was happening all the time… I got shut down because I wanted to take a team to Dallas and see if folks needed yard work done. I was told it was an awful idea because I just wasn’t ready by their standards. This made no sense and I was pretty pissed off after that.
My old leaders would use spiritual manipulation to get me to go the way they wanted me to go. It was all about them and what was most beneficial for them in that time. No autonomy meant that when I had me time I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know how the fuck to live. I put all my trust in the people and not in that person floating around in the sky because the people where there. They where actually things and not made up. Trusting and getting walked on where the two biggest things in ywam. I don’t know where my old leaders are right now but if I ever see them again I’m gonna tell them they fucked my life up.