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Done giving a fuck

I hate you both. I hate Josiah. All of you have really screwed up what could of been an amazing family of difference and uniqueness. All of you chose to follow a fake ass god and destroyed Hannah and i’s life. I don’t know what you are doing with the current crisis but god damn it I am glad you all are out of my life. This god that you love so much and who can supposedly heal people is doing a really shitty job with this current situation. When you sent me that card a few months ago it put me into a panic attack for a week straight because it was so passive.

Both of you have been passive but that was the final straw. This will be the last time you hear from me probably ever. I won’t be at your funerals I won’t be at Josiah’s funeral I’ll be sticking by Hannah’s side because she matters. I thought that was why you adopted her? Because she matters and deserved a better life… clearly I was wrong and that breaks my heart.

Christians cover up sexual abuse and queer folks ask for consent and the Christians are the ones who call me a sinner for just trying to live my life. Christians say that this god is ever encompassing and we are all created in their image but at the end of the day if you are queer, Christians don’t agree with that “lifestyle.” If this was a fucking lifestyle or choice do you really think I would of come out? I chose to come out and to continue living when I could of easily gone and killed myself. Everyday that passes by I wish I could just kill myself because life is just bull shit.

Why do you think I escaped most of the time growing up? Because I was trying to get away from toxic bull shit and I feel sorry for Hannah that she was stuck with y’all a few years after I left for ywam. being crushed under the wrath of both of you and both of you pretty much yanking Hannah out of my life I am never going to forgive you, either of you. With this pandemic I really don’t care if I get the virus because at this point in my life I’m way too depressed to care if I stay alive or not.

Heaven sounds awful if both of you are going to be there. I’ll sprint into hell and be happy about it because both of you won’t be there. You can screen shot this and send it to all of your friends I really don’t care and if y’all have been trying to send me stuff I haven’t gotten it. I moved and I moved far away. Texas wasn’t the place anymore. I thought about ending this letter abruptly but here is my closing thought, both of you and Josiah are horrible people and mom… the bitterness is going to kill you like it did grandma. Dad the bitterness isn’t going to get you into heaven it’s going to kill you like it did grandma. Here’s to the both of

You for forcing me out into this world just to regulate how I live my life, both of you are horrible people.

Your eldest,

Bye.

Updated blog

Just wanted to let y’all know that sabtjourney.net is the new nesting site for my blog. It’s cleaner.

If you are still interested in what I’m up to you should check it out.

Sabtjourney.net

I really wish I didn’t remember this

This one time while I was growing up we had some pretty interesting neighbors who had a trampoline and a small inflatable pool. This was in colorado way back in 97/98 and i remember sitting by the fence of this strange neighbor and they came out to see who i was. I sat there they came and said hello. We started talking and found a cigarette that we started smoking so i guess the first cigarette i smoked was when I was seven.

That same house I remember having my younger brother all over the place and my mom homeschooling me. You see they got bitter with Ywam too. They moved from new orleans to colorado completely passing ywam tyler because they are f8ucking bitter too! Anyway on saturday and sunday my fucking dad wanted me to wake up early. Who the fuck wants their almost teenager to wake up earlier that nine? Then I would get in trouble when ever I would watch ducktails, or pokemon because Archie was the same time and my dad wanted me up early then wouldn’t give me any autonomy. We had to watch the damn archie stuff. All because HE thought pokemon ws demonic. Who the fuck cares, demonic sounds a shit ton nicer than angelic What the fuck who call something an angle?

After I would get in trouble for my tv choices I would get in trouble for bringing my favorite sleeping bag and pillow out to the living room. “what if we have company?” Literally what he would say anytime i was trying to get cozy. While my brother was getting the treatment of a life time. Fuck.

I don’t know what to title this

I find it interesting that I am living my life closer to the life Jesus supposedly had than my Christian parents. I’m living an authentic life where as they are so wrapped up in bitterness they probably only read proverbs. They pick and choose what they want to believe, I stick with the tender love.

One might say that being hard on my parents is a sin and I’m gonna go to hell for not honoring them but that person is wrong. If you read scripture the love and adoration Jesus had for people was pure. Jesus got angry and turned tables for fucks sake. Jesus was betrayed and treated like less then a rat. You’re probably saying “she is just an awful person and she talks awful about people from the church and her parents.” You’re god damn right I do, you wanna know why? Because the thing they preach they can’t grasp. They can’t be genuine because they are so clouded by bitterness and rules and regulations that they forget about what matters.

The things that should matter don’t and the things that shouldn’t matter do. It’s backwards and if you want to be a Christian go for it but the moment you start using that book to induce fear is going to be the moment I start calling you out. That’s all I’m doing really, calling people out because of how much lying happened growing up.

I would read the Bible and genuinely believe it because I was told too. In order to go to heaven I had to believe so I did because I’m genuine. I did what I had to do to stay alive and it’s going to be interesting to me till I die just how much my parents lied. Victim blaming and shaming are not Christ like…

I would go to youth group or some Sunday school class and be taught all these great things about Jesus and that we are supposed to live like him, would try my hardest to live like him just to be shot down. Every fucking time I fucked up it was a giant fuck up. I had to swallow the abuse and neglect and bitterness because, “we where a Christian family so non of that happens..” Except it did and it fucking happened all the time.

I was a prisoner not only because I’m transgender and gay as fuck but because I was forced into believing something that makes no fucking sense. Every night we would sit around the living room and would be forced to pray if we didn’t the look of shame would cover my dad and he would act like we were shaming him. There was never any respect because he was zapping it with his bitterness and there was no way in hell I was going to respect him. Not the way he acted.