Because I can’t seem to stop writing

I go through the day and I remember things that happened years ago, could be 2 years could be ten years or even fifteen. I remember things like they just happened and most of this stuff is painful. Most of this stuff stabs my gut and I feel what I probably felt in the moment it happened. One of these things is while we where living in Colorado and the neighbor kid handed me a cigarette through the fence and I proceeded to smoke it, I was 7. I remember going inside so fast to take a shower because I was worried. I was worried that my mom would smell it and yell. This was a year before she scoulded me which caused the brunt of my trauma.

I say all of this because I have decided to quit smoking. I’ve been using tobacco products most of my life to cope. Most of my life has been wrapped up in that comfort of knowing 5 minutes of releif is going to keep me going. Going outside and breathing in the smoke calmed me down at first then it turned into my main coping mechanism. I don’t blame that neighbor for handing me the cigarette I don’t even blame myself, I blame the gateway drug of trauma from my parents. I blame that pastor who hit my mom down to the floor saying she got slain in the spirit and my dad not doing a damn thing.

This onion has a lot of layers, peeling them back and pulling them apart fucking hurts. The amount of growth this year has been astounding though. I didn’t think I’d be here still I didn’t think I would have any friends. My life made no sense for the first 27 years. Those 27 years have a lot of memories and I can’t seem to get them out of my head. Yes there where good memories but the painful ones stick a bit more then they start to sting. Vivid, it’s all fucking vivid and it makes me mad honestly. I hate that I remember so many things and can see them as they just happened. It’s a gift and a curse.

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sashaadele1

My name is Sasha Adele Braden, a transgender woman, who is queer and living in freedom. I knew I was transgender at the age of five because my development just seemed off so I had an inclination something was very wrong. I was locked away because of shame and I decided that I was going to take my truth to the grave and never open up to anyone because I was full of fear. That all changed February 14, 2018, when it all came out. I’m free. I’m alive. I’m learning that life isn’t just eating, sleeping, having sex, and going to the bathroom but it is so much more! Learning that has been a blast! I am also co-managing a grassroots organization called, “REFLECT” and it is all about trans and nonbinary expression through community while being able to completely lean on allies. I am super stoked to be doing this and being a safe place for the queer community of Austin, TX. Look up my Facebook page “REFLECT” for more details. With all of that said, welcome to my life. I welcome all types of people and welcome all types of dialogue. So, drop a comment or two on a post every once In a while​ this blog is mainly just a way to let go of trauma from my past. Expressing it has helped me overcome things I thought I was never going to be able to overcome and I’m living in freedom for the first time in my life.

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