… lately I have been having really good ideas and learned a bunch of new things. This is really exciting but the best part is I am out completely, out and I don’t have to hide my talent anymore. Oh my god I’m crying… So much growing up and ywam I was stunted and not allowed too grow. Told to keep my mouth shut because what I was about to say was going to be too “intense.” My stuff isn’t intense it is meaty and there is a lot on those bones.
While I was growing up my learning was slow I couldn’t understand so many things and I got looked at like an idiot who wasn’t trying hard enough. I fucking tried as hard as I could and still got in trouble. I got in trouble because I would lash out in frustration because I didn’t understand, I just didn’t know how to do the work. People would show me over and over but I never got it because I would get frustrated and more confused. Being home schooled I was sheltered and I was babied that’s what homeschool does it locks you from knowing what society is and you don’t grow. You don’t have the will to go into society because the person who is homeschooling you is trapping you in. It’s their way or the highway and if you get off it gets ugly.
When the dad gets involved it’s a whole other story.. There where several times I just didn’t want to do the work because it made no sense. My mom would have me take what I was working on to my dad who nagged. Oh my fucking god he nagged and yelled and huffed and puffed until I would get so mad I would have to hold the anger in until he was gone. When he was gone I could breath and things where a bit easier. He broke a few cd’s over his knee and I couldn’t do shit about it. In some of those times he would “help” me with my homework and that’s what set me off. That’s a reason why I started to couch surf I couldn’t stand that house.
Life was so weird during my school years and I am still fucking confused? I’m confused as to why my parents thought it was a good idea to seclude me and keep me hidden? I’m confused as to what their motive was? I’m confused as to why my brother got the golden treatment and my sister and I got treated like shit? The answer to that question is because I was the first born, I was the fucking project, I was the trial and error, and I was the black sheep of the family. My sister didn’t do what my parents wanted quick enough and her development was slow so they hated that. They blamed her for not being smart enough and they just gave up on her. What shitty people. Christians too, as you all know.
At ywam I would go too meetings and present an idea since I was a “leader” and the people involved would like it. So, we would start it and the next thing I knew someone higher up than me would always change it. The phone calls of don’t do that do this got really fucking old. I wasn’t allowed to be who I am and I wasn’t allowed to express myself, just like my school years. This is why 15-20 years old is so important and key to my life. Had I stuck around who the fuck knows where I would be? Definitely not where I am today and I am thankful for all the times I could stay on a damn couch, those days are burned into my memory. I definitely would be in a ditch somewhere high off my ass and struggling to make it. Do you know how fucking scary that is? I remember I was about to turn 20 and at this time I definitely wasn’t living at home I was smoking three packs of Marlboro reds a day and a bunch of weed. My dad told me he would pay for me to go to ywam so I got excited because new stuff is amazing a lot of fun to experience.
During my marriage I would get called and ridiculed for waking up with the kids telling me it’s moms job. Then we never got to go on a vacation because we where lied too about money and we had to stay long term. Two freshly married kids (we where kids) living with 4 supporters checks and hoping money would come from the sky. Not knowing what the actual fuck we where doing but just flowing with the wave. I would be told about things that should of been talked about with her and I was told to be quiet on several things. Was I quiet? Fuck no I shared the bare minimum because I had to let something out someway. The people inside of ywam (not all of them) are to blame for the hurt and the regret I feel every god damn day. I’m the one who hurt my ex, her and the kids did nothing wrong or anything to deserve this and I go through my days full of pain because no human deserves to be treated this way no human deserves to be lied to the entire time you know that person. Evangelical Christianity is evil, it’s a cult, it’s full of contradictions, and it is fanning out because people are starting to realize that that shit is awful and they should choose a different direction.
I write and I write because I have to let this stuff out, I have to get it away from my body. This ptsd and abuse and neglect hurt I have to write my hurt down so I hurt a little less. I am still alive because those kids are worth it. The next ten years for them is going to be huge and I don’t want to fuck up like my parents did. I love these two SO much and am really glad they still get to spend time with me.