What the actual fuck

Tw: suicide mention, pain , and being scared.

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Full disclosure, I write about heavy stuff and if you can’t handle it or feel the need to call the cops on me for a mental health check just don’t. Just read it or don’t read it. Calling the cops on me is a very bad idea. Makes my anxiety worse.

Anyway here’s where I’m at.

I’m gonna come right out and say it, I’m scared. I’m scared out of my mind because the state I live in is turning into a hot zone to get trans people screwed up more than we already are. The government is meddling in families business like it always does but this time it seems scarier. I cried myself to sleep last night because it’s not fair. It’s not fair that I have to keep fucking hiding for safety. You would think that the embrace of change would be a top priority trying to get younger generations set up for when the older generations die. The younger generations are fucked. Plain and simple we are fucked because the boomers mainly, have turned away from change or even considered change to be an option. Instead they have created rules and regulations that are getting people killed.

I’m not going to hide the fact that I have been thinking about suicide for a very long time. How I’m gonna do it. When I’m gonna do it. Why I’m gonna do it. I think about this stuff because culture has created a road block for growth and change. Who the fuck wants to continue going in this shit? I find myself not wanting to keep going all the time. I daydream about how it’s gonna happen and I keep thinking that it’s inevitable and only a matter of time. This is scary as fuck because I know people care about me but I didn’t care for myself for so long that trying to learn how to love my self in this society seems like it’s damn near impossible.

I have these thoughts and I don’t act on them because my will to survive surpasses my will to kill myself. I have too much anxiety to kill my self I’d never be able to do it. I work it out with close friends and they help talk me down but the longer this goes on the harder it gets to hold onto that will to live. I’m not doing ok, I haven’t been doing ok mentally for a long time but luckily I have a good support system.

Non of us chose to be born. We were all forced out and had to learn how to live. That’s fucking exhausting and hard because there is no black or white way to live you just kinda gotta go with the punches. Everyone has had to do this except some are more humble than others. The humble ones are the ones that feel it the most because we try to see the good in all things. We try and make it work but the harder we try the more condemnation and ridicule we receive.

All the evangelical Christians claiming this is a Christian nation clearly didn’t listen to their bible. This isn’t pro life this isn’t loving the orphan and the widow this isn’t giving men room to express emotions. This is genocide and the evangelicals have turned into the nazis I read about in history class. Trump is the hitler I read about about in history class. We are going to have a full on genocide because those people only look at life as it is black and white. How does that make you feel if you are a Christian? How do you sleep at night? Do you even realize how fucking fucked you have made us? I don’t think you do or you’re just not smart enough to care.

Bravo good job showing the love of Jesus to the world. Who the fuck would want to join you after these last few years?

Published by

sashaadele1

My name is Sasha Adele Braden, a transgender woman, who is queer and living in freedom. I knew I was transgender at the age of five because my development just seemed off so I had an inclination something was very wrong. I was locked away because of shame and I decided that I was going to take my truth to the grave and never open up to anyone because I was full of fear. That all changed February 14, 2018, when it all came out. I’m free. I’m alive. I’m learning that life isn’t just eating, sleeping, having sex, and going to the bathroom but it is so much more! Learning that has been a blast! I am also co-managing a grassroots organization called, “REFLECT” and it is all about trans and nonbinary expression through community while being able to completely lean on allies. I am super stoked to be doing this and being a safe place for the queer community of Austin, TX. Look up my Facebook page “REFLECT” for more details. With all of that said, welcome to my life. I welcome all types of people and welcome all types of dialogue. So, drop a comment or two on a post every once In a while​ this blog is mainly just a way to let go of trauma from my past. Expressing it has helped me overcome things I thought I was never going to be able to overcome and I’m living in freedom for the first time in my life.

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