Being a group that talks highly about the unconditional love of this god that doesn’t exsist they are extremely conditional and I know I have gone down this road but I feel like that road has a little bit left before I get off. You see at YWAM you are taught god is a father and loves you unconditionally but there is so many conditions in the ministry that god sure as fuck seems like a dad instead of a father. A dad meaning abusive and drunk. A father loves a dad is who I grew up around.
My entire life was all about conditions and I was getting dragged in the mud by folks saying that their love is unconditional love; I fucking believed them and I genuinely respected them. That is who I am. They pulled me along and lied, caused ptsd and extended nothing but spiritual abuse. I don’t even think anyone there is genuine. I saw contridictions every god Damn day. The longer I am gone and not apart of the organization I find it interesting no one has tried to reach out but at the same time it makes sense. Non of them care about anyone even wives get treated like shit. Well, they are Christians and we all know women are treated as the lower in the household. I still can’t believe someone told me him and his wife have never had a fight, that is so toxic. I am not justifing fights but fights can help you grow and learn new things about the person you love. No fight means that person is not given any autonomy.
Out of anything in my life joining ywam was the biggest mistake of my life. My box was forced into tiny spots and I couldn’t grow. I couldn’t progress past the spiritual abuse because it was always my fault. It was my fault we didn’t make it to India. It is my fault we got a divorce. It’s my fault I stayed in ywam for so long. Now that I am out I am seeing that this life is so much bigger than the box I was forced into. Having tunnel vision for so long and not experiencing anything other than religion hurt. It hurt me it is causing daily ptsd. Religion is gross and this relationship they all talked about is a fucking pipe dream.
Never tell me it is a relationship ever again because I experienced religion and it is awful. So many people have died because of religion. A relationship is letting a person grow and live their best lives. A relationship should allow room to talk and process with out being gas lit. A relationship model is my partner and I letting each other just simply live. What ever that looks like for us.
