Life seems to just be dark because the more I think about the past the more confusion and anger I feel for things I did to so many people in the cult that is @ywam_org .
Things that seem so small to others are the biggest triggers for me and I fucking hate it. I can’t deal with Christian language or even secular shows that bring up God because of how much nasty shit is connected to that whole shit storm. .
I will go from one mood to another quicker than you can say, “go” I just have several moods and I am longing for them to be put under control because they are all fucking exhausting. .
. // Deconstructing:
Trying to cut out all the religious bull shit is just too exhausting most of the time. I learned and I was taught so much bull shit growing up that having to learn what loving people actually looks like has been hard and extremely painful. I need time to be able to breath but I just have no time at all. .
Life is Austin, TX has been hard being away from my kids and not watching them grow and learn new things daily has been really taxing. Everyday I beat myself up because I chose ywam instead of coming out, I chose getting married instead of coming out, I fucking chose Texas instead of Colorado like a fucking idiot. Grief sucks life is fucking hard and here I am.