Lookin for a hole…

Tw/ Cussing, suicide talk, depression

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Certain things make my trigger just like most but I feel like as soon as I look anywhere I’m fucking triggered. Life has a good run there for a while but I feel like I’m sinking again and can barely catch my breath. The last few days have just been one giant trigger and I’m tired. I’m tired of this shit because I just want to be ok with out a fucking mental illness getting in my way.

My mental illness has taken a sharp turn for the worst and I honestly don’t see a fucking turn for the better any time soon. I have always fucking hated Christmas because it’s just a bull shit holiday where people gather together, open presents, eat treats, drink a lot of wine, and watch kids loose their shit to the sight of a new toy. I just fucking hate it because I’ve never felt appreciated ever. Last year was the worst fucking Christmas of my life because I was just forgotten about altogether. I just sat in the corner taking the fact I was just not good enough. There is a fucking difference between compliments that are sincere and compliments that just float in the air because you want me to feel a little better.

I just fucking angry I feel like my life was just being used because I am good at what I put my mind too then I get walked all over. When I get into something I go full on because I genuinely care. Maybe I just shouldn’t of cared as much? Maybe I should of just been half ass like so many other fucks? Maybe Christmas can go fucking die? You see I’m still struggling at the fact I barely get to see the kids and I didn’t get to see them at thanksgiving then tomorrow for Christmas 2018 I’m not going to see them and I won’t see them for New Years. I seriously just want to fucking die today. I get that I show them love though and through but I did that with so many others who could give a fuck about me.

Chosen family is amazing but when your family disowns and plays fucking games even chosen family can’t help. You are just fucking stuck in a preverbal cycle of bull shit. A cycle that makes me fucking trigger hard. Yes I am out and living my truth, I have a few projects I’m working on, and I have a good friend base but Jesus fucking Christ this year has been fucking painful. Right now 7:18 am December 24th, 2018 I just want to go die in a fucking hole, honestly.

It is getting harder and harder to fucking function under such weight of not feeling good enough for literally no one and expected to just be ok. I am not ok. I am extremely ill in the head and I wonder how many more fucking times I’ll think about suicide before the end of the year… I’m tired of thinking that way and then coming out of that mind set just to get back into it. Suicide is the last symptom of depression and you all, I’m holding on for dear life today.

Looking back at the year and only being able to pick out maybe a month total that was even slightly enjoyable and refreshing sucks. Holding on the next week is going to be hard, exhausting, interesting, intense, and will definitely be a test in how resilient I actually am. So, as I leave to go see some of the most genuine people I have ever met wish me luck. I fucking need it I also need good vibes or something.

Published by

sashaadele1

My name is Sasha Adele Braden, a transgender woman, who is queer and living in freedom. I knew I was transgender at the age of five because my development just seemed off so I had an inclination something was very wrong. I was locked away because of shame and I decided that I was going to take my truth to the grave and never open up to anyone because I was full of fear. That all changed February 14, 2018, when it all came out. I’m free. I’m alive. I’m learning that life isn’t just eating, sleeping, having sex, and going to the bathroom but it is so much more! Learning that has been a blast! I am also co-managing a grassroots organization called, “REFLECT” and it is all about trans and nonbinary expression through community while being able to completely lean on allies. I am super stoked to be doing this and being a safe place for the queer community of Austin, TX. Look up my Facebook page “REFLECT” for more details. With all of that said, welcome to my life. I welcome all types of people and welcome all types of dialogue. So, drop a comment or two on a post every once In a while​ this blog is mainly just a way to let go of trauma from my past. Expressing it has helped me overcome things I thought I was never going to be able to overcome and I’m living in freedom for the first time in my life.

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