This is about to be one of the most personal and raw blog posts I’ll ever write. I promise you.
Starting at the very beginning, I’m 5 and I’m laying in my bed confused because my body development didn’t feel right. I was frustrated and confused. I would look at myself and loathe what was happening. I wanted a softer voice and not as much body hair, I wanted to see breast tissue because nothing in me felt like I was a boy. Presenting as a boy felt wrong on so many levels but I was so confused and scared to say anything to anyone so I hid.
By the time I was 8 I had a favorite dress and favorite lipstick that I would put on anytime I stayed home from school for a sick day. Till my mom found me… She yelled at me and scolded me threatening to tell my dad if she ever caught me again. I went into hiding telling myself this is just going to be a secret and no one but me will ever know. I figured out how to hide really well and map out any time I could to express my truth. At 8 the name Sasha came out of my mouth and I have held onto it for dear life ever since.
Here is where I’m about to get really vulnerable and as real as I can get… at the age of 19 I had this desire to get pregnant I wanted to be pregnant so bad. This was freaky as hell because I honestly felt crazy. I had been hiding my truth from all my friends and now this comes up and all I want to do is tell someone. I can’t though because of the fear of being scolded again. I kept my mouth shut but was miserable and absolutely hated myself. When I turned 20 I had two choices: go to Colorado and transition or go to ywam like my parents wanted. I chose ywam because I thought maybe I’ll be healed and won’t have to deal with the thoughts anymore.
As you know at ywam I got married had kids and created a life, but that life was fake. I would hid from my wife and anytime I could put a dress on I did. Even at ywam. The days where just hard and painful I just wanted to be healed or to leave. Being who I am I wasn’t about to leave no no so I fought to be healed. Clearly that didn’t work out.
Back to the wanting to be pregnant and in closing, there was an article dropped today that said a woman had a uterus implant and got pregnant. Meaning science is getting closer and closer to figuring out a solid way from trans women to be pregnant. I can’t express how much I long for this and am so excited science is making great strides for trans care.
I am being completely honest, at 5 I looked at myself and saw a cute little girl looking back and would get so enamored by my beauty. I have never seen myself as a boy let alone a man I’ve always seen Sasha and playing the boy part was my phase.
DON’T OVER SEXUALIZE THE SEX ORGANS BECAUSE THEY DON’T DEFINE THE PERSON. YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT MATTERS IS YOU BEING CONFIDENT AND ABLE TO LIVE YOUR TRUTH.
Your brain knows and it’s not weird or wrong to feel a certain way. While being on estrogen I can honestly say I feel my brain coming into alignment the way it has supposed to my entire life. I just needed a med and a boost.