I am tired as fuck, ever since trump sent out that statement wanting to erase 1.4 million of us my insides have just not been the same. I thought I would be speeding up my transition but it has slowed way down because I just don’t have the energy at all.
Every day is still a giant struggle of, “can I go out there in a dress yet?” “Will I get murdered if I wear a pair of cute boots?” “What about makeup, what would happen if I wore make up right now?” All of these questions play over and over in my head on top of voices from YWAM that just won’t leave me alone. They will say things like:
You can’t do it
You are an awful human
You are committing a grave sin
You are going to hell
You are trash
You screwed this up and god is ashamed of you
You ever divorce and that’ll be the end of you
Your anxiety isn’t even real
Your depression is fucking fake
Oh your lonely well you did that to yourself
Your kids are going to fucking hate you the rest of your life
There are only two genders
Jesus is ashamed of you
I’ll only marry you two if you stick around
You piece of shit you fucked up big time
Fucking get a life
You better figure this out because you are just going to fucking die alone if you don’t
All of this leading me into a mass state of hysteria and extreme fear. Growing up in an Evangelical setting I still haven’t been able to just “let go” of these thoughts or even how I used to live. I always feel like I’m to one suffering because I’m the one sinning and deserve to be treated like this.
Do you understand that my whole life was built on this lie that homosexuality and being transgender is a sin and that was so embedded into my brain that after the divorce was finalized everything just fell apart. Literally everything like I have no clue how I am even alive right now typing this out because every day since it was finalized these voices have gotten louder and louder.
People have told me that I should wait on therapy out of convince for them also said my name change needs to just wait because there are more important things to worry about. I don’t understand why people hate my guts so much and I’m the one suffering I’m the one who has maybe an ounce of Will to survive left and I just hate 99% of the things in my life. Plain and simple.
Living in truth is a lot harder than a lie because society is built on a foundation of lies therefore making it easier to just lie. Once you tear that web of lies down and start rebuilding on the foundation of truth you get a lot of resistance. There is this feeling every god damn day that you just aren’t going to make it because the lies seem to overpower any sense of truth you desire. Personally leaving me feeling hopeless and drained.
Does it get better?
Does it start to make sense?
Will I ever be able to stop beating myself up?
Is life just always going to be this hard?
I wake up every morning dreading the fact I have to go and resist a world full of lies and walk in my truth when I was taught my whole life the truth will set you free. Right now I don’t feel free, instead I feel caged and like everything from the age of 8 to now was my fault. Even though it was my mom who threw me in the closet and locked the door.