What’s personal validation

My validation has come from all outsiders and not internally ever. I’ve never validated myself because for my entire life I have hated myself. Loathed the idea of living another day just another miserable human being. My entire life since I can remember have beaten myself up never given myself credit or even cared for my well being. I’ve just cared for others because of the mindset I don’t matter at all.

My parents gave that vibe that I don’t matter some leaders at ywam gave that vibe and some so-called friends have sure as shit given off that vibe. So, how in the fuck am I going to be able to come out of this without the unending pain I feel? Yes so many have validated me since I have come out but how the fuck do I validate myself? Where the fuck do I start?

Here’s the thing, telling myself, “Sasha you are going to make it” isn’t fucking working. Smoking cigarettes isn’t helping. Watching tv to keep my mind off shit sure as fuck isn’t working. Face masks, baths, good smells, painting my nails, selfies, or anything else that should help to give myself validation just doesn’t fucking work. Seriously, life is just one giant joke full of people that fucking suck and tear you down because thats how society fucking works. Going against that mold is damn near impossible and extremely exhausting.

So, how do I validate myself?

How do I self care?

How the fuck do I love myself?

When the fucking shit is life going to make any god damn fucking sense it’s been 28 years of tear downs and I can only think of a handful of days where I actually enjoyed living life. Two where when the kids where born.

So, I’m gonna leave this here: fuck my parents, fuck the ywam leaders who spirituality manipulated the fuck out of my life and fuck those so-called friends that just tore down and never helped or genuinely gave a fuck.