Pre-thoughts

One full foot is stuck in the closet getting mangled, bruised, battered, laughed at, mocked, and told it’ll never make it out. I’m still stuck in the closet my poor foot is struggling.

I haven’t come out to my parents yet because I fear what they are going to do. Along with what will happen to their health. Why do I care so much I mean they treated me like shit my entire childhood so why should I give a damn what happens after I tell them? I think there is something in me that genuinely cares and wants them to accept me for me. I’m so scared though.  Growing up with them they taught me to just follow Jesus because that is the end all say all. There was never any room for different ideas or perspectives. If you didn’t follow Jesus you were sent to get help and taught that Jesus is the way. My dad being the drunk that he is really failed at staying consistent in this whole live liJesussus method because he is so good at verbal abuse. My mom is great at passive aggression and so trusting along with respecting their rules and regulations became a fucking joke when I turned 15.

I left when I was 15 because I just couldn’t stand the abuse anymore. I couldn’t take another pile of shit adding up so I left. I moved in with a few friends as a couch surfer and lived my life struggling. but, better off than I would have been staying with my parents. I had the guts to leave why the fuck don’t I have the guts to tell them I’m a transgender woman?  Probably because I don’t want to hear Jesus-splaining. I don’t want to hear I’m going to hell. I don’t want to be told my kids are going to be fucked up because I am out of gods design. But, I want to be completely free to live out my truth. I want the world to know that I am IN FACT a transgender woman who loves unicorns, makeup, dressing up, painting my nails, sipping tea to the sound of a Texas thunderstorm, and sleeping in what makes me feel cozy. I’m just tired of living one foot in the closet and not knowing the right time to make my full escape.

Sasha is ready and you know she has been screaming since I was 8 years old to be set free completely.  20 years she has been stuck, 20 years she has been kept quiet, 20 years she has been full of fear with a society that is out to destroy and hate her because she is not living a “normal” life.

I think as soon as my parents know and I can inform the folks that I have hidden from since February my anxiety will simmer down a little below boiling. Holding truth back is hard and I’ve held my truth back for 20 years. Sasha is ready to be fully out, world and she is coming out fully soon.


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