Some Beach…

🚨TW::: anxiety, depression, panic attack, voices in the head, trauma. 🚨

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Last night I nearly stopped breathing because of the worst panic attack I have ever had in my life…

The voices from my old leaders at YWAM started softly filling my head with, “you sinner how could you do this to your family you kids are gonna be screwed up for life because YOU are now out of gods design.”

After what seemed like hours but was really only a few minutes the voices kept saying that only louder and louder and louder till I broke down in front of my roommates on the ground shaking from the fear and just not knowing what the hell to do.

After a little bit I said, “I need to go on a drive to clear my head.” When I was 18-20 I’d leave and drive for hours chain smoking and listening to music as loud as the stereo would allow me. My roommates banded together and helped me with gas to get out and do what I had to do.

So, I drove down to Corpus Cristy which was 4 hours south and the moment I put my feet on the sand I instantly started bawling. I was sobbing most of the night and decided to stay till sunrise. After sunrise I stayed a little longer and on my way back I bawled even more and it seemed a bit harder.

I needed to emotion and release as much as I could. I haven’t slept since yesterday around 530 am and anytime I catch myself closing my eyes I jolt like it’s a trauma response.

Evangelicals are good at fucking you up but SUCK at loving you and being supportive. I feel like I have gone completely crazy…


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s