Have you ever been so sad because another person struggles to get around?
Have you ever been so depressed the only thought in your mind was to drive off a cliff?
Have you ever been so excited about plants that you obsessed about them in the back of your mind the rest of the day?
Have you ever missed so much that every picture you see of them is a reminder to you that they aren’t going to be someone you see everyday ever again?
What about looking at your body with utter disgust because you noticed you forgot a few arm hairs while shaving now YOU have to look at them the rest of the day?
The last few weeks have been a constant emotional rollercoaster ride that won’t slow the hell down. I am having to decern between grief and just stress at this point and I am having an extremely hard time with that. Grieving the fact I don’t see my kids daily anymore has been painful more painful than anything else I have experienced in my life. Dealing with the deconstruction of my Christian faith has been fighting, not being able to get my old leaders toxic voice out of my head. I am constantly hearing the conservative evangelical voice yelling at me telling me, “you’re going to hell and your only truth is that you are a man!” Multiple times a day I hear and feel this shit like it is right in front of my face. I have a conservative evangelical drill Sargent and I don’t know how to escape from the yelling and constant hate.
Life right now isn’t fun it’s not life-giving and it is sure as shit not how any human being should be subject to live. Society like I have mentioned before is so backward and living in it as a minority should not be this painful. I can’t even go to the corner store to buy cigs right now because yet another trans-woman was murdered and even though I’m in the bluest part of Texas I’m still in an overall red state. I only feel safe going to work and coming straight home right now. America is INSANE!
How can we be so heartless to the disability community? We are living in 2018 why are the sidewalks still shit? Why the hell is it still so hard for a person who has to live in a chair to has accessibility to an over-sees flight? I do not understand America, I never will. I wish I had energy to yell a little louder for basic human rights but, I am just so damn exhausted from fighting for my rights and trying to stay safe. America it is time to get your SHIT together it is 2018!
All that to say it has been a wild month and I am having a hard time finding a balance along with stable income. I have created a “Go Fund Me” and if you could share or donate a few bucks to help me get planted and feel stable that would be greatly appreciated. Just a share by itself means the world to me right now.