Heartbreak and feels of the day

Tw: cussing, suicidal thoughts, depression

I’m not going to fucking lie today has been one of the hardest fucking days in my life.

I came up to Tyler, TX to visit and grab the rest of my stuff and a few other things and I have been a sobbing mess all day. I miss my kids so much it hurts – seeing them and how much they have changed since I left three weeks ago is killing me. I stayed with them day in and day out for a little over a year and saw the changes first hand everyday. Three weeks gone away from them felt like an eternity and I’m definitely full of grief today.

My son is talking SO much more and being the sweetest little human in the planet. My daughter is talking and reading me stories/telling me stories about school and I’m crushed. Legitimately crushed and a bit of an unknowing of the next time I’ll see them in person. They have been playing in the pool and the changes since last year are insane. Talking to each other l, being best friends, and also yelling when the other annoys the other. They are so active and so big and I feel like I’m crushed between two giant ass boulders with no way out.

It’s days like today “coming out” sucks. It’s days like today when I have the most intense hatred towards evangelicals and Christians. It’s days like today when being transgender seems like the biggest fucking joke on the planet and being a human only amounts to feeling like a giant fuck up. Days like today NOTHING helps and I just have to bottle it up I feel or anything I fucking say will make me sound insane. Maybe this will all even out soon, at least I hope so anyway.

I got to Tyler, TX around nine and ever since then I have been intense grieving. I’m leaving Tyler, TX when they go to bed to head back to Austin, TX and that drive is just going to be a sob fest – I can already tell. I’ll get back to Austin around 12 and have to be out the door again by 7:30. I’m stressed. I’m grieving. I’m full of anxiety. I’m a very heartbroken human right now.

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My name is Sasha Adele Braden, a transgender woman, who is queer and living in freedom. I knew I was transgender at the age of five because my development just seemed off so I had an inclination something was very wrong. I was locked away because of shame and I decided that I was going to take my truth to the grave and never open up to anyone because I was full of fear. That all changed February 14, 2018, when it all came out. I’m free. I’m alive. I’m learning that life isn’t just eating, sleeping, having sex, and going to the bathroom but it is so much more! Learning that has been a blast! I am also co-managing a grassroots organization called, “REFLECT” and it is all about trans and nonbinary expression through community while being able to completely lean on allies. I am super stoked to be doing this and being a safe place for the queer community of Austin, TX. Look up my Facebook page “REFLECT” for more details. With all of that said, welcome to my life. I welcome all types of people and welcome all types of dialogue. So, drop a comment or two on a post every once In a while​ this blog is mainly just a way to let go of trauma from my past. Expressing it has helped me overcome things I thought I was never going to be able to overcome and I’m living in freedom for the first time in my life.

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