Heartbreak and feels of the day

Tw: cussing, suicidal thoughts, depression

I’m not going to fucking lie today has been one of the hardest fucking days in my life.

I came up to Tyler, TX to visit and grab the rest of my stuff and a few other things and I have been a sobbing mess all day. I miss my kids so much it hurts – seeing them and how much they have changed since I left three weeks ago is killing me. I stayed with them day in and day out for a little over a year and saw the changes first hand everyday. Three weeks gone away from them felt like an eternity and I’m definitely full of grief today.

My son is talking SO much more and being the sweetest little human in the planet. My daughter is talking and reading me stories/telling me stories about school and I’m crushed. Legitimately crushed and a bit of an unknowing of the next time I’ll see them in person. They have been playing in the pool and the changes since last year are insane. Talking to each other l, being best friends, and also yelling when the other annoys the other. They are so active and so big and I feel like I’m crushed between two giant ass boulders with no way out.

It’s days like today “coming out” sucks. It’s days like today when I have the most intense hatred towards evangelicals and Christians. It’s days like today when being transgender seems like the biggest fucking joke on the planet and being a human only amounts to feeling like a giant fuck up. Days like today NOTHING helps and I just have to bottle it up I feel or anything I fucking say will make me sound insane. Maybe this will all even out soon, at least I hope so anyway.

I got to Tyler, TX around nine and ever since then I have been intense grieving. I’m leaving Tyler, TX when they go to bed to head back to Austin, TX and that drive is just going to be a sob fest – I can already tell. I’ll get back to Austin around 12 and have to be out the door again by 7:30. I’m stressed. I’m grieving. I’m full of anxiety. I’m a very heartbroken human right now.


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