January 1st, 2011 I came back to Tyler, TX to do my second installment into YWAM that would allow me to stay on staff. I showed up with everything I owned and began the lecture portion of the 5-month course.
I remember the first morning like it was yesterday, the woman who I was showing to marry was sitting at my table and I thought I heard, “you are going to marry her” that freaked me out because I didn’t know her and she didn’t know me. We where just two people doing YWAM at the same place. So, I forgot about that and carried on with life the best I knew how. Two weeks later that girl and I started hanging out all the time and I thought well maybe there could be something here? Maybe I’ll be cured of being a transgender? Here is our in-depth story: Brokenness to wholeness
Along with the girl, life seemed to be going very well. I was learning, I was growing, and I was getting excited that maybe I was going to be happy being a man for the first time in my life? Through lecture, my friends and I would goof off and do things we shouldn’t of like 3 weeks into lecture we went to Mexico. We didn’t ask we just went because we thought we heard God calling us. It was a great trip got to explore and drive around Mexico for a day ha! When we got back we were talked to like kids and told to go to our room and have quiet times because what we did was wrong and we were dumb.
Other than that there wasn’t a week like plumb-line (talked about in YWAM Pt. 1) It was smooth for the first part but outreach is what fucked me up more than anything. We left for India and my life changed. I have written about genuine dreams I have had and while in India I began dreaming about marrying that girl along with starting an orphanage in India. I wanted to take that girl with me, start a family, and build an orphanage that gave hope to the entire family dynamic. For the children, I wanted a school system set up so they could prosper and give hope to future generations. For the mom/widows I had the heart to see them allowed to work to get money for their families since the poor are everywhere. For the men I wanted a system set up to give them jobs and a salary that would allow them to thrive instead of being looked at as scum of the earth. The whole time in India I would feel this rush for these dreams to come true and knowing I was going back on staff I made it a goal to be back a year later to go after those dreams. Along with being married to the woman, I forced myself to be attracted to because I wanted to be saved from being transgender and I thought a voice told me I was going to marry her so I did.
It was an exciting, confusing, and testing 5 months – not the worst by any means but those five months gave me false hope that I was clinging to and being so involved with the bible I thought I was doing the right thing.
To be continued…