Just a few honest thoughts from tonight…
It’s my last night in Tyler, Tx and I am having all kinds of mixed emotions. I am happy because my life is going to be authentic and full of opportunity I have only ever dreamed about. I’ll be living full time as Sasha and be able to express her with nothing holding me back — that feeling is unreal and my dreams are coming true. My authentic dreams. Like I have written before I have never seen a dream come true that I genuinely dreamed, they have always been crushed because I lived with Evangelical Christians. Evangelical Christians are awful and could care less if you prosper, as long as God is flowing through you your life means nothing.
The other emotion is grief. I am sad to be leaving the family I started because I wanted to heal myself from being transgender. I wanted to have kids because that meant I would never go to hell because I didn’t tap into the sin. I’m a mess right now the life I have had the last 6 years has been hard as hell but I genuinely love my wife and kids so leaving them hurts. I am so mad at the EC culture because I listened and now I feel like I’m fucking everyone over.
As I sit in the local coffee shop and my kids are about to be sent to bed the grief is intense. But, being there hurts just as bad. I hope to be in Austin, Tx my wife and I can rebuild our friendship even though the end of our marriage is near I still long to be her friend see her thrive. I want to see the kids thrive and be healthy even though when parents break up there is always a huge shaking for the kids, my hope is that we are able to discuss what needs to be discussed at all the right times. They need to have room to grieve themselves along with express the emotion they feel at the moment. Being their parent I want them to be free to do what they need to do without shaming them like my parents were so damn good at.