My life has been one jump after another hoping that the dam would break and Sasha would be set free. I started jumping at 15 and I’ve written about my dad still being a hard-core drunk and my mom being passive aggressive. She just doesn’t stand up to him. When I was 15 I jumped and left “home” to couch-surf through high school and onto working full time at Lowe’s, I thought to do that I was going to be able to “come out” and live truthfully. I was wrong because I was still living with Evangelical Christian friends so coming out was impossible. I had a fear I would have nothing left because I still believed in the Bible so I would do all I can to heal my disease.
After working at Lowe’s I jumped down here to East Texas and had the plan to get healed from being transgender intensified. I had a girlfriend back in Portland and so I was fighting to get healed and go back to marry her. But, throughout YWAM I couldn’t stop seeing Sasha in the mirror and longing for her to be free. YWAM didn’t it made the longing to be set free even stronger. Even though I am married and have two adorable children. After YWAM my wife and I made the jump to Tyler because YWAM was and is still very much in support of awful 45 (Trump) along with we both experienced amazing amounts of spiritual abuse. So, it was time to go. For the last year in Tyler, I have been the livid kind of angry because even though we were out of Evangelical Christian Context I still had to hide with the worries of if I ever got caught my life would end. It would end in a nasty divorce along with a nasty suicide because I would feel like I was a waste of space and no one would value me for who I really am.
February 14th, 2018 I came out as you know. Being out has been harder living in Tyler then I could have ever imagined and I had a longing to jump again. Which I am, I’m jumping one last time on Friday to make the move to Austin. I am connected with the LGBTQA community down there and they are stoked I’m coming. The LGBTQA community down there is a group of real authentic humans living to just love one another in a society that is ass backward. The more conversations over Facebook we have the happier I get and my heart jumps with an anticipation I have never felt before. Realness and calmness like I have never felt before in my entire life.
This jump is what I have longed for since I was 11 and started really researching sex reassignment surgery. I looked into it more then I paid any attention to my homework for school. I wanted (want) it passionately. So, moving to Austin and getting on proper hormones along with meeting with a counselor the goal that I have had since I was 11 is closer then it has ever been and it’s not being brushed aside but instead being poked and getting more logs placed on top to allow it to blaze! I feel a sweet release coming like never before and this jump is different than any other jump I’ve made in the past. The big difference is this isn’t a shame jump this is a truth jump and with that, it means that who I really am is going to thrive like never before.
That jump to couch-surfing was shameful. The jump to lowes was shameful. The jump to YWAM was the worst shame I had ever felt. The jump to Tyler was shameful. The jump to Austin is life, hope, joy, peace, and realness like I have never been allowed to experience in my entire life. I’m a nasty bawling my eyes out laughing hysterical mess right now but that is ok. Being allowed to emotion is so freeing.
No more jumping. No more hoping this is gonna be the environment in which I’ll be able to become me. Austin will be life. Austin will be hope. Austen, TX will be HOME.