Hurt

…Then the grief hit like a freight train going a million miles an hour hitting me right in the tear ducts… Nasty bawling my eyes out, snot dripping from my nasals, and extreme waves of anxiety.

It all hit me with one blow after another I’m just going to be the child support parent and won’t be able to continue watching my kids grow up into who they are going to be. Instead, I’ll be the freak who is transgender and all I’ll be good for is the child support check then anything else will be one giant “fuck you.” The pain of that causes the grief to morph into my worst nightmare.

During my grieving process I have beat myself up saying, “what the fuck is your problem, you started that family you are their dad and husband you have no right to be transgender. You fucked that option up a long time ago.” I feel like I’m not worthy to be alive and breath air because at the end I’ll be going to hell if I don’t change. Fuck… I have tried to change my entire life and I can’t. The more I try and embrace Elijah the more Sasha says, “no I am your identity let me free!”

This is freaking me out because never before in my life have I been able to express the grief I feel, I have been forced to live inside myself and let the grief fester. When my wife lost our first baby to a miscarriage I couldn’t cry, I couldn’t express what I was feeling because I was told, ” It’s her pain you have no right to be pained, your body didn’t go through that so just get over it.” Why do Christians feel the need to belittle grief and allow people room to express their emotions? I will never get that because isn’t Christ the ultimate person and didn’t he have emotions? Why is it not ok to express what you are feeling? Why is belittling people the goal the church sets and in return tells you to give so they get more pews?

The miscarriage, the divorce, the kids, the friends I thought I had, and getting rid of my faith are all the things that I HAVE to grieve at some point. I just don’t know how?

The divorce is what is taking the biggest toll on me because my old way of thinking told me that divorce is the worst thing any human could ever do. Divorce is evil. Divorce is a sin. So, I am going through my days feeling like all I am worthy of is hell and misery. Hell is all around me daily knocking me down, telling me I fucked up, and I have nothing to live for. Divorce is the best option for both of us though because we both want to be free to be who we are, it’s just hard getting to that place because of the voices I still have in the back of my head from YWAM.

The kids are so incredible and the fact I’m about to not really be in their life anymore kills me. That’s why I’m saying I’m already in hell because with each day I’m growing further and further away from them being out of the house a little longer each day. Watching them grow the last year and a half has been one of the greatest joys of my life. NOw I’m not going to be able to watch them grow, especially if I move to Austin in a few weeks. Being a stay at home parent has been rough but also rewarding being able to be with them every day has been a great learning experience.

Lastly, the friends I thought I had for 20 plus years have completely outcasted me and told me, “I’m a freak” never wanting me to see them again. That is fine don’t need the negitivity but the part I still have to grieve is the friendship we had for 20+ years. The conversations, the friendship it is all thrown away because they can’t except me for who I am. They are stuck in their Evangelical Christian thinking and I don’t see them ever getting out of that. That hurts. Grieving sucks and I have A LOT of grieving to do.

Where do I start?

How do I allow it to happen?

Last night 4-6-18 was the first time in my entire life I was able to express grief outwardly and it was scary as hell. I’m scared shitless of what else is going to come out during this massive process…

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