Inner beauty and how I am finding it.
My entire life up till recently I hated looking at myself in the mirror and would just look to trim my beard. I then would move on with life being so disgusted with my body and how it did not match the inside at all. I hated having to have a beard and I loathed my body hair because it felt gross looking like a damn werewolf. Sasha would look at me and cry her eyes out saying, “let me free!” The inner struggle of my outside not matching my insides nearly killed me daily.
Just recently though being on hormones I have been noticing my beauty is such a raw and unique way. Today during the kid’s nap (quiet) time I had an hour of self-care that opened my eyes and I want to share what happened.
Up to the point this afternoon I have never seen my outer beauty matching my inner beauty and as I looked in the mirror at my eyes I noticed my eyes are the most beautiful green I have ever seen in my life they pop and give me an amazing gaze, along with being green they are BIG, bold and beautiful. I have never been able to look at my eyes like that and appreciate their beauty. I then looked at my hair and how it is doing exactly what I want it to do, becoming flowy and gorgeous. After my hair, I looked at my cheeks and my facial features noticing the potential I have with makeup and allowing Sasha to blossom with blush and bronzer. I got really excited. After my cheekbones and facial features, I moved to my neck and noticed the collarbone and how beautiful it is. The more I looked at myself and realized I am becoming ME as the days go by I was filled with so much joy and I had the most beautiful smile following that incredible experience.
I am still very dysphoric every day because my body hair isn’t slowing down instead it seems like it is speeding up. But, that hour today made the shit from the last few days drift off and I was able to experience my beauty like I have never been able to before. Being on hormones has been so good for me and allowed me to experience things like I did today. Raw beauty. I am a beautiful woman and even if society sees me as a man, I KNOW I am a woman I always have been and finally being able to tap into that fact is allowing my inside beauty to come out and match what I have been feeling my entire life!