TW: Suicide attempts, cutting, self-hatred, cussing, and intense depression. I have not attempted suicide any time recently and I do not plan on it! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.
I have hated the way my body looks since I was 8 and the amount of pain I felt whenever my picture would be taken is almost unbearable to think about. Every selfie, every family picture, and every time I would randomly show up in a photo I would get physically sick. I wish I could say I have an appreciation for my outer appearance but I don’t. My insides have never matched my outsides and trying to live life as a man was the hardest thing for me to do. I faked it till I made it second by second and now that I am out I’m thankful but I still have to hide. Having to hide is a serious mind-fuck with some of the worst feeling imageable.
I used to cut my arms going up and down not side to side cutting a new vein a night because I hate my arms with how veiny they are. I thought if I cut them open they would shrink and I wouldn’t have to look at them anymore. I was wrong they are still large and in your face like fucking wrinkled shirts. I haven’t cut in years. My arm veins, arm hair, leg hair, facial hair, and my genitals cause me extreme Gender Dysphoria daily making me just want to hide away and die. Body hair for me right now is the biggest struggle as it seems to be getting thicker by the day and every time I shave I see brand new hairs that came from nowhere.
It’s days like today when I regret coming out, it was easier living a lie in this shit society than live in truth and have the outer struggle just as much of the inner struggle. I try and work on the inner struggle but fuck I have been inside my entire life and I want to be free to be out. I wish I lived in a city where no one gives a shit what I wear, no one gives a shit if I tan in the backyard in my bikini, no one gives a shit if my nails are painted, and no one gives a shit that I have makeup on my face. All of the above are already on the inside ready to come out but why do I get pushed back in the fucking cage?
Gender Dysphoria sucks and it is painful. Maybe soon I’ll be able to move to that city (Mecca) and feel free enough to let my insides out, I just don’t feel safe in Tyler, Tx and I fucking hate that.
Here is a picture of what I wore today, thank the gods it was cool enough to wear sweatshirts because I don’t have bras that are flat, I only have underwire bras showing my cute little b cups. I love that but living in Tyler, Tx I have to put extra clothes on to cover it up. I have my pink spaghetti strap Lilly Piltzner tank top with my nude bra underneath a flowy t-shirt and 2 sweatshirts. Wearing it helps with the dysphoria but I’m still hidden and caged inside, having to cover up what little cleavage I have from Hormone Replacement Therapy hurts.