Gender Dysphoria

TW: Suicide attempts, cutting, self-hatred, cussing, and intense depression. I have not attempted suicide any time recently and I do not plan on it! PLEASE READ WITH CAUTION.

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I have hated the way my body looks since I was 8 and the amount of pain I felt whenever my picture would be taken is almost unbearable to think about. Every selfie, every family picture, and every time I would randomly show up in a photo I would get physically sick. I wish I could say I have an appreciation for my outer appearance but I don’t. My insides have never matched my outsides and trying to live life as a man was the hardest thing for me to do. I faked it till I made it second by second and now that I am out I’m thankful but I still have to hide. Having to hide is a serious mind-fuck with some of the worst feeling imageable.

I used to cut my arms going up and down not side to side cutting a new vein a night because I hate my arms with how veiny they are. I thought if I cut them open they would shrink and I wouldn’t have to look at them anymore. I was wrong they are still large and in your face like fucking wrinkled shirts. I haven’t cut in years. My arm veins, arm hair, leg hair, facial hair, and my genitals cause me extreme Gender Dysphoria daily making me just want to hide away and die. Body hair for me right now is the biggest struggle as it seems to be getting thicker by the day and every time I shave I see brand new hairs that came from nowhere.

It’s days like today when I regret coming out, it was easier living a lie in this shit society than live in truth and have the outer struggle just as much of the inner struggle. I try and work on the inner struggle but fuck I have been inside my entire life and I want to be free to be out. I wish I lived in a city where no one gives a shit what I wear, no one gives a shit if I tan in the backyard in my bikini, no one gives a shit if my nails are painted, and no one gives a shit that I have makeup on my face. All of the above are already on the inside ready to come out but why do I get pushed back in the fucking cage?

Gender Dysphoria sucks and it is painful. Maybe soon I’ll be able to move to that city (Mecca) and feel free enough to let my insides out, I just don’t feel safe in Tyler, Tx and I fucking hate that.

Here is a picture of what I wore today, thank the gods it was cool enough to wear sweatshirts because I don’t have bras that are flat, I only have underwire bras showing my cute little b cups. I love that but living in Tyler, Tx I have to put extra clothes on to cover it up. I have my pink spaghetti strap Lilly Piltzner tank top with my nude bra underneath a flowy t-shirt and 2 sweatshirts. Wearing it helps with the dysphoria but I’m still hidden and caged inside, having to cover up what little cleavage I have from Hormone Replacement Therapy hurts.

Published by

sashaadele1

My name is Sasha Adele Braden, a transgender woman, who is queer and living in freedom. I knew I was transgender at the age of five because my development just seemed off so I had an inclination something was very wrong. I was locked away because of shame and I decided that I was going to take my truth to the grave and never open up to anyone because I was full of fear. That all changed February 14, 2018, when it all came out. I’m free. I’m alive. I’m learning that life isn’t just eating, sleeping, having sex, and going to the bathroom but it is so much more! Learning that has been a blast! I am also co-managing a grassroots organization called, “REFLECT” and it is all about trans and nonbinary expression through community while being able to completely lean on allies. I am super stoked to be doing this and being a safe place for the queer community of Austin, TX. Look up my Facebook page “REFLECT” for more details. With all of that said, welcome to my life. I welcome all types of people and welcome all types of dialogue. So, drop a comment or two on a post every once In a while​ this blog is mainly just a way to let go of trauma from my past. Expressing it has helped me overcome things I thought I was never going to be able to overcome and I’m living in freedom for the first time in my life.

2 thoughts on “Gender Dysphoria”

  1. Sasha, I am familiar with your struggle; not because I am trans, but because a very dear friend of mine is. A couple of years ago she moved to Las Vegas, where my husband and I live and a number of our mutual friends. She was from a small, hostile town in the northeast. She is completely out here. People here are far more accepting. First off, it’s a big city with a very diverse population. Being a bigot would be a full time job. No one has time for that! And second, the city was built on the idea of being accepting of gambling, drinking, and showgirls. This acceptance seems to have grown to encompass anything (as long as it’s not overtly harmful) that is not mainstream in the rest of America.

    Another great location is Los Angeles in terms of acceptance. In the case of LA, the acceptance is generated through show biz.

    Hang in there Sasha!

    Like

    1. Yea I live in Tyler, Tx and it is a ticking time bomb every day. I am hoping I can move to Austin befor​ the end of the year. I’ve got to in order to survive honestly.

      I hope your friend is THRIVING though!

      Liked by 1 person

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