Weaknesses

A weakness is a hell of a lot easier for me to point out in myself than a strength because of how intensely I’ve hated myself my whole life. There was a time not too long ago I think it may have been the last year I was apart of Ywam where day in and day out I would beat myself up over the smallest things. I would cast the harshest judgment on myself and at the end of every day while showering I’d put the razor on my arm and couldn’t do it. That made me more upset, I felt weaker because I couldn’t even cut a vein. I was too weak.

Most days at Ywam my weakness was pointed out much more than my strengths and the leadership constantly made me feel like I was worthless. But, for some reason, they still wanted me around since I could do a good job around the campus and knew how to mow proficiently well enough to be allowed to stay. My wife and I struggled with finances the entire time we were there and I am shocked they didn’t just kick us out for being as far in debt as we still are. I’m not going to lie, the only good thing about Ywam was four relationships that came out of it and everything else was just one giant waste of time.

My weaknesses are:

I tend to over excerpt myself

I can’t shut my brain off of work after I get home

I always take care of others before my self

My health is last priority

I have a hard time saying no

I tend to stay locked up in my own head

I allow negative vibes from so-called friends

I let passive aggressiveness happen

I tend to look at myself like I’m a loser

All these things are a work in process, like anything in life it takes time to understand ones self and once you learn something new, are able to grasp that, and run with it something brand new comes out and you have to learn again. Life is funny that way even though it can get really irritating it gives you a meaning to life. Finally understanding the importance of strengths and weaknesses has brought me even further away from depression. 2017 was the most depressed I have ever been and the thoughts I had all year where “what’s so good about life? We eat, we have sex, we crap, we have to work in order to continue living, why the fuck do we have to live like this?” I was in my head the majority of the year and I am so fucking happy I am out of my head and living in freedom!


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