Growing up in the Evangelical Christen contexts (ECC) my entire life was straining, painful, and honestly bull shit. Several times during high school I thought I heard god tell me something and so I would start dreaming to see if it would happen. It wouldn’t it was just bull shit. One dream I remember having was to be alive for a revival and then I saw a revival starting in Portland, Or and engulfing the entire nation which never happened it just ended in more confusion. Dreams come in all sorts of shapes and sizes but the dreaming with the (EC) god causes more pain then good, in my personal experience.
My time at Ywam was a big pile of stinky horse shit with a few flowers around it that made it bearable. I had a dream to go to India and start an orphanage to give every part of the family dynamic in India hope to survive and get on their feet. I was told daily, “Make sure the barn is clean,’ or “you aren’t going to make it to India with the barn looking like that,” and just more bull shit excuses as to why they wanted me to work in the most intense department and under the most abusive leader on the campus. The grounds department, where we had 560 acres to take care of along with all the emergencies that would arise daily. I did that shit for six years hoping maybe the next week, month, or year my family and I would make it to India and start blessing those people over there, but that never happened. We where stuck because I was good at what I did and the leaders didn’t want to lose me. So, as I got older and time in Ywam carried on, my dream to be a woman became stronger but I decided just to say, ”Fuck it that is never going to happen.” It just seemed like a waste of time so what if I was angry all the time, so what if I was on the verge of suicide almost every day, so what if my life was just one giant disaster. No one in (ECC) was there to help because their god tells them as an LGBTQ individual I’am condemned to hell and then will work on me till I “change” or just leave because they are can’t “fix me.” So, since I was 8 that dream of being the woman I have always seen myself as was greatly damaged and I was holding on by a tiny sliver.
A few years ago I went down to where I worked and I dressed up completely and hung out in my office, it was dirty, it was covered in oil, and the clothes I had where some of my wife old clothes she had just thrown out. While I was down there I was freaked out because my identity was screaming to be set free, Sasha needed to be let out as soon as possible! That was exciting realizing that but also very stressful because I have a family, who I love dearly. I didn’t want to screw them over so I told myself, “Just stick to the plan, take Sasha to your grave no one has to know just you.” Just that alone caused livid anger because I just wanted people to be for me and people to be supportive of me. Having a wife I wondered if I ever had the guts too tell her what she would say? How would she react? After that night for the next two years there where so many times where I tried to speak up about it in front of her but I couldn’t, I was crushed.
The dream took its first official step on February 14th 2018, when I came out to my wife and that was the first time in my entire life I saw a dream actually coming true. The dream I have held onto since I was eight and didn’t know if it was going to happen was actually taking an authentic first step and that felt amazing! The main push I had that gave me the guts to come out was an Exvangelical community whose main goal is to love humans for who they are and to help those who where in evangelical contexts work through the issues and hopefully come out the other side able to breath. Im grateful for that group of people because without them I would still be stuck dreaming my dream behind closed doors and angry.
“The moment you stop dreaming is the same moment you start to die. Dream even if the dream seems small it will give you hope for a new day.”