Needles in the Hay

I don’t really know how to start this post other then saying “WOW!” It’s been an uphill battle for so long and I somewhat feel like I’m allowed to descend one step at a time and experience freedom that I thought I’d never experience in my life. The climbing was exhausting, it never seemed like it was going to end and I thought I was just stuck going up hill the rest of my life.

The hill flipped and started going down here recently like the last week I’ve felt a huge wave of relief and being able to make the descent one step at a time has given me breaths of fresh air and real hope for the future. Every step down has been a hard one to take but once I take it the air becomes so clear and I get waves of ¬†authentic happiness that I have never been allowed to experience before in my life. The first step is always the hardest, for me that was “coming out” to my wife, my best friend. Once that happened I was allowed to feel the freedom of descending for the first time ever.

The next step was “coming out” to close friends and getting set up with an LGBTQA community which where extremely hard steps to take because I had been hidden on the internet. Being allowed too meet up with other like-minded people just seemed weird like I was being put into a trap, it honestly freaked me out. But, I took that step and the freedom of seeing other people like me not just over the internet but in person was so liberating. Seeing another transgender woman in person is like seeing god, at first you are stunned because you only see them on the internet and then the moment she is standing there in front of you it becomes authentic. I was timid the first time I went out and met a transgender woman in person but it’s going to get better the more times going and being apart of that community.

I have made it to starting HRT (hormone replacement therapy) and have been on estrogen for almost two weeks! The changes on the outside have been slow but the changes on the inside have been intense and really exciting! Right now as I type the colors are popping out clearer then they ever have, I have way more energy, my chest is tingly all the time, and I get mood swings. It is amazing being allowed to live out truth instead of hiding away and caging true identity! HRT has been my favorite step thus far because it is changing my insides and is allowing me to feel emotion for the first time and opening the door even wider for my true identity to actually come through.

Needles in a haystack are not easy to find and I have been so fortunate to have found the ones I have so far. Being transgender is hard in this society and the amount of people that disagree is disgusting and so ass backwards. If you are in a conservative evangelical context and not out yet because you are scared of what might happen THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU! Sometimes in those contexts it is safer to stay in the closet for a little while longer. It took me till I was 26 to get out of those environments and the only reason I made it out is because we left as soon as Donald Trump took office over a year ago.

Don’t rush! Take your time!


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