A month ago there was a pain that just wouldn’t leave my side, it was right there consistently stabbing me producing the most intense pain. It caused me anger that I never thought was going to leave, it caused me to loose sleep, it almost made me kill myself several times, and it was leading me to the end of being apart of my family. Just the constant stabbing and voices in my head telling my I wasn’t fucking worth it along with I wasn’t worth it. That pain hurt daily and like I said it was going to kill me had not the circumstances that came up the pain would of stayed in the creepy shadows of my mind.
My mind has always been loud but my voice has always been quiet unless I’m spoken too and have something meaningful to say. I have always just let my identity run wild in my head and my fake self run the outside because the truth inside is looked at as wrong and weird to the eyes of society. Those eyes that produce hate along with judgement and pain, being transgender I kept those thoughts behind my eyes and never allowed them to permeate the world around me. Keeping the voices inside caged up and out of reach is dangerous because eventually its all going to come out and under curtain circumstances it can be very beneficial but there is also the side where you could end up fucked over and told to just get out. Im thankful when my voices came out it was under a safe roof where the person just loved me for me.
February, the month of “love” and “romance” became the most freeing month for me in my life. Believe it or not February 14th 2018 is when I came out to my wife. MY WIFE! The person I should of taken out for a special night and romance. Instead I “came out” and it was one of the hardest most freeing nights of my entire life. The voices in my head that where screaming so loud where released, Sasha was released. When the words “Im a transgender woman” came out for the first time in front of anyone my mood changed instantly. Instead of anger and depression this massive wave of happiness and hope overcame my and I was able to experience freedom for the first time! It was such a liberating moment that became the anchor in my life.
After “coming out” if you haven’t already you will need to hold onto the anchor of being out and the feeling you will be allowed to feel because it is fucking hard being out even to just a few people. For two weeks after I came out the house was a living hell, I was out but there was this wet blanket covering the entire house a nasty soggy blanket. So, my wife had her therapy session and she expressed anger she had no idea she had in the context of this situation and after that session she opened up. It became very clear that we are going to be getting a divorced down the road and as soon as that came out another wave of relief and freedom popped over both of us not just me this time, her too.
This life is about taking it one step at a time and allowing emotion to happen, don’t let the emotion stay stuck behind your eyes open up and express them. Allow others around you the room to express as well because you never know who is hurting like you and trying to cope with themselves. If we as a society allowed humans to be human we would be much better off as people and the amount of pain caused daily would be cut in half. I strongly believe that.