I came out as a transgender woman a few weeks ago and my life began to change in every way imaginable, the excitement, the fear, the beginning of a slow death, and joy that i have never been allowed to experience in my life. I had been living as Sasha in the shadows since I was eight and the pain almost became too much almost ended it a few times. I would map out the times i could express Sasha to the point of making sure every article of clothing i put on was either dirty or put away back exactly how it was. It was painful because i just wanted to be Sasha full-time without any back lash or being yelled at.
When i was 8 i started dressing up in my moms clothes as often as i could, it became the thing to do when no one was around instead of playing with cars or video games or any other so-called boy toy. I did it till my mom found my hidden stash and she yelled at me. She told me, “Christian boys don’t do that and you do it ever again im going to tell dad.” That scared the shit out of me to the point i became very hidden and no one knew or even had an idea what i was doing. When ever id dress up i felt 100% better i felt like MYSELF I felt like i could conquer the world because i felt full… Until i had to take the dress and lipstick off and go back into my other clothes. It was hard I know im not the only one who has experienced this kind of pain. Gender dysphoria is real its painful and it sucks.
After a few years of being so hidden i figured i might as well just stay hidden because i grew up in evangelical communities and they are very far from lgbtq affirming as you know. So, i stayed in the closet id dress up any chance i got and by age 15 i was moved out of my parents house. My dad is still a heavy drinker and was rude to my mom, brother, and sister i couldn’t take it i couldn’t live there anymore so i moved in with y girl friend at her parents house. The dressing up slowed down but i had many chances that i took and just kept telling myself this is going to your grave with you no one needs to know it would just be too painful. After i graduated my girlfriend and i broke up which meant i moved into an apartment for a little bit with a room-mate. Any time the room mate was gone i dressed up i had a hidden wardrobe id wear just for myself lock my door and just be ME for a few hours every night after work. It got so intense i almost moved to Colorado to start a full transition but instead i ended up at ywam in Tyler texas.
I started ywam very screwed up from drugs, sleeping around, and knowing I was transgender but wanted to get “healed” from it. So i went through my time in ywam for the first 5 months working through stuff except for being trans, i didn’t want to share that with anyone. I didn’t want people to know. So, I kept it quiet till i met a girl. Once we started talking and showing interest in each other i opened up and told her in very vague details i was a crossdresser and thought about going and doing the full transition. After telling her that i felt like i needed to tell someone so i went to one of the leaders and expressed what i expressed to my wife but he belittled me and shamed me played his hands on me prayed for me and told me just to get over it. I was confused i was angry and i was hurt even more.
I didn’t dress for about 2 years from the start of ywam but after a while I couldn’t take it anymore i started dressing in my wife clothes (which by the way are comfy and adorable always have been) and anytime she would leave id map out what i could do and how long i had. I did it several times all the way up to the point of when i came out. Now that im out im able to be free to express, im expressing one new thing a day im able to wear what i want underneath and my toes are so cute. My legs are soft. My beard is gone. I feel alive for the first time ever in my entire life.
Those of you still in the closet and those of you that are out and living life:
You are beautiful humans. You are worth it. You matter.
I want to give you a voice i want to help on your journey i want to be someone safe for you and i want you to feel freedom that you have never been allowed to experience in your life. My friends, my sisters, my brothers, my theys, my thems, my its, you are beautiful souls and are worth the love you have never received before in your life.
Love, Sasha Adele Braden